Here at Sandwich HQ we like to take the edge off writing hardcore serious pieces that have consumed our blood, sweat and tears for the past month (often resulting in various mental breakdowns, vodka binges and general aversion to people) and instead write a fun, light hearted list for pleasure - serious pleasure.
With hopes of keeping this short, we've focused more on the films that received undeserved critical attention and hype hence fooling us mere mortals into believing that we would be witnessing a cinematic masterpiece - instead of the douchery pile of over hyped bullocks that was the reality. Here we go, let's get serious:
5. Most things by Oliver Stone
[Another night at Christophes]
Oliver Stone is a self-taught writer/director, 'Nam veteran, who has been known to make 'gritty' and 'controversial' films about war, US Presidents, US football, and dodgy inaccurate historical epics. He also lives up to his name in being stoned whilst on set (Minga knows this for a fact after conversing with one of his cocky cameramen - they're all cocky, it's inevitable, but at least Stone wasn't whacked out on coke and throwing walkies at me, but I/we digress. We'll get onto the film set caste system another time).
His films' epic subtle failings rival that of Michael Bay, the dude who brings us the filmic versions of 'Dick in a Box' ie Transformers, yet Stone still gets major cred, boxed set dedications and Oscars. If that's not enough, he had the sheer audacity to leave out a scene in Alexander where Jared Leto and Colin Farrell get it on. FOR SHAME STONE! You're dead to me.
4. Citizen Kane
This classic Orsen Welles biopic about an egotistical entrepreneur has been voted numero uno in various film publications and considered a masterpiece in cinema. We agree that it set up new exciting visual aspects of a film technically - shots, camera angles, editing but that's where the kudos ends.
As any film student can sadly testify, this film gets shoved down our throats as much as the Treaty of Waitangi does throughout secondary school. And like the Treaty, it's a splendid grand idea but falls short of actually delivering what it promised so we all end up feeling cheated, used and displaced. Give us Fritz Lang anyday.
3. Gone with the Wind
Yawn. For four freakin' hours. Four hours of your life you will never get back. FOUR! We know you'll disagree but there are plenty of Hollywood classics that don't don't require a hysterical Vivian Leigh in giant frocks thrashing about the South with Clark Gable and his rapist moustache. Even he didn't give a damn. (See what we did there? God we're clever).
2. Star Wars - All of them
[Yeti Porn]
Did you ever hear that one about the old man fashioning a kayak out of a giant piece of wood? Well the old man is George Lucas and Star Wars is his block of wood. A blank, empty log made into a gigantic toy. Star Wars worked for the millions of pre-teen boys in the 1970's who got excited over their first epic journey into the world of film fantasy/jizz on a biblical level (trust us we've been there, Jurassic Park people). Yet they forget that perceptions change with age and what we all loved when younger, shouldn't necessarily stay the same when we're older (we're now looking at you MacGyver). This includes banal film franchises with robots and Yeti's, horrible dialogue, bad acting and someone juicing the FX metre to ADD level. The only thing that slightly revived it in the newer episodes were the scenes with a shirtless Hayden Christensen (because his perfectly waxed chest wasn't talking, acting or CGI-ed).
1. Titanic
[Extreme Fosse]
The epic of all epics. Noone from our, or coming generations is safe from it's bloated, over stuffed, over hyped, historically ridiculous claws. You may try to justify it as Leo love, we say remember Baz Luhrmans Romeo and Juliet (or Gilbert Grape because he clearly kicked arse in that one). You may try the Oscar nods especially for best director, we say it failed to win anything for SCRIPT or ACTING, the two other fundamentals in the holy trinity of movie masterpieces. You may say think of the romance and Celine Dion, we say, please stop reading our blog and don't contact us again.
Clearly this film deserves our numero uno spot, for it not only tore a sacred hole into our social fabric, paving ways for more franchised, pre-teen, demented fairytales (insert you know what here) but has actually ruined actual lives! Minga actually met someone who had viewed this film 10 times at the cinemas. She spent over $200, and 30 hours of her life in a dark room watching the same impending ice berg hit the same doomed ship. FOR 30 HOURS! That woman will clearly need professional help that our poor failing economy can no longer provide thus sending us all into a downwards spiral of chaos and social destruction. A tragic ending indeed. THANKS TITANIC!
The epic of all epics. Noone from our, or coming generations is safe from it's bloated, over stuffed, over hyped, historically ridiculous claws. You may try to justify it as Leo love, we say remember Baz Luhrmans Romeo and Juliet (or Gilbert Grape because he clearly kicked arse in that one). You may try the Oscar nods especially for best director, we say it failed to win anything for SCRIPT or ACTING, the two other fundamentals in the holy trinity of movie masterpieces. You may say think of the romance and Celine Dion, we say, please stop reading our blog and don't contact us again.
Clearly this film deserves our numero uno spot, for it not only tore a sacred hole into our social fabric, paving ways for more franchised, pre-teen, demented fairytales (insert you know what here) but has actually ruined actual lives! Minga actually met someone who had viewed this film 10 times at the cinemas. She spent over $200, and 30 hours of her life in a dark room watching the same impending ice berg hit the same doomed ship. FOR 30 HOURS! That woman will clearly need professional help that our poor failing economy can no longer provide thus sending us all into a downwards spiral of chaos and social destruction. A tragic ending indeed. THANKS TITANIC!
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