Letter to Robert Pattinson

Dearest R-Pattz,

Man with the magnificent Mane

And fabulous half-Chinga eyes

Please explain to me the ending of your film
'Remember Me'

Because it was so intensely random

That my head exploded

And that wasn't pretty

Unlike your beautiful concave face

In fact, I think you owe everyone in the theatre

An explanation

Dinner

A sponge bath

And a packet of fags.

Because I'm out.

Get me though?
Respect.

Love and mono-brows for life,

Minga

Sandwich Enemy of the Month: Netanyahu

NAME:  Benjamin Netanyahu and the entire Israeli Government

NATIONALITY:  Inhumane.

OCCUPATION:  Prime Minister and general badass who hates all of humanity.

CATEGORIES OF OFFENCE:  Where does one begin?  Let's just stick to the most recent: continuing building of ILLEGAL settlements, occupying and oppressing whole people's, warden of the biggest open air prison in the world, and  feeding fluffy kittens to ferocious pitbulls.

THREAT LEVEL:  Dude, when even your biggest ally,  the US, says you're a cunt, YOU'RE A CUNT!

IF YOU SEE THIS ENEMY:  Slap him with a HAM pizza and alert Minga's cousins.  However, do not confuse with said governments really fit soldier boys.  On that occasion, just alert Minga.

Repel of the Week: Self Repel

Ext. Auckland City - Day

Minga, a dashingly gorgeous woman, of a particular minority diaspora, with an unfortunate limp, walks to the bus stop.

She looks down to her Ipod to blast more ADAM LAMBERT (you heard right, judge me not, eyeliner ridden Jewish homos get me hot) and lo and behold she sees a massive block of chocolate stuck to her shirt.

It's like fudge trampled in by some hefer. It sticks to her t-shirt. She ponders, thinking that she got this shirt out of her drawer. How did chocolate get in there? Are there sugar high fairies that come at night and take cruel vengeance upon mortals for their own sadistic delight? Is Minga suffering from some sort of unknown amnesia in that she spent the whole of last night stuffing her face with chocolate and stuck a little to her shirt to save for breakfast?  Did that bitch Gladys get high on crack again and raid her drawers for kicks?

Minga is rather startled and like a true hobo grabs a water bottle and in the middle of the street begins pouring it over the culprit. Then she goes to Uni with a wet-shirt but even then can't get any action. Sitting alone once again, with her backpack and solitary thoughts, she thinks:

SO NOW I AM REPELLING MY OWN CLOTHES. 

 [regarding above pic of Lambert and boyfriend...I have no words...but if Burt Reynolds and Ryan Phillippe had a love-child...]

Letter to Ginga and Enemy of the Month

Dearest Ginga,

Though we are seperated by a great vast treacherous 'ocean' known as Cooks Strait and because you are currently undergoing a severe mental breakdown,  I felt it necessary to send you a love letter of hope.  

For those of you who are unaware, our poorest Ginga has been spending the last few months sadly attempting to deal with horrendous British families who are re-locating to the netherworlds of Mordor (Christchurch, New Zealand if we're being exact).  

Trust us, these are not the really fit Christmas sock wearing Brits whom one gropes 'accidentally' on the Tube, but they are soul-less xenophobic degenerates who probably voted for BNP because 'those damn Paki immigrants caused the recession' (even though they've never worked a day in their life and milk the benefit to the point of lactose intolerance).

I bring good news though my dearest Ginge.  For all those hideous Imperialists that you are bringing here, them Brits are getting payback.  In the form of this Aussie wench who has made plans to emigrate to the UK:

That's right, payback's a bitch and her name is Pauline Hanson - a sad excuse for a human being (and Gingas everywhere), who was the former leader of the One Nation political party in Australia.  Perhaps we should let Interpol know and like Fox News, make her our Enemy of the Month?  In fact let's make one now.

SANDWICH ENEMY OF THE MONTH

NAME:  Pauline "no relation to 90's brother boyband" Hanson

NATIONALITY:  Australian sub-species (just below the Platypus and above the Blue Bottle Fly)

OCCUPATION:  Former leader of One Nation political party (read: fascist)

CATEGORIES OF OFFENCE:  Atrocious haircut, convicted of fraud and xenophobia (though she did not know its meaning) "I and most Australians want our immigration policy radically reviewed and that of multiculturalism abolished. I believe we are in danger of being swamped by Asians."

THREAT LEVEL:  Medium if you're ethnic, Extremely High if you're Aboriginal.

IF YOU SEE THIS ENEMY:  Punch her in the face.

Good luck Britain,

Much Love,

Minga

*If you want a real enemy of the week, check out Interpol's  Red List ( includes lots of Minga's distant cousins...)