Funniest Sandwich GIF's

Since Minga found what she believes is the greatest find since that Womble suit she found in the destitute drama room of her high school (and which she later wore to much pride in front of the lad she fancied and consequently experienced an epic repel from), she had to ask Gladys what they were called.  Apparently the kids these days call them GIF's.  Because she is too sore mentally, she cannot think of something witty and vaguely interesting to blog today so it will have to be a list of Sandwich Top GIF's.  As found by Minga.  Loser extraordinaire.

Classic Penguin Slap

George Bush Dance

Pug Licking Screen

Carlton Dance!

Smithers Lapdance

And the best...

Dawson Crying

Dawson Calling You

Dawson "So my marriage/mortgage/route to work is really fascinating..."

Clearly the Van Der Beekster is an internet sensation (and Minga's new favourite Pacey).  He has many more fabulous GIF's here.  

What We Will Not Miss From the 1990's

For some reason Ginga and Minga decided to spend a delightfully stormy Saturday night cooped up in some giant house in Birkenhead (Tornado central apparently).  And for some reason we began talking about the 90's.  This is the beginning of the conversation:

Int. Fabulous large house in Tornado-land - Night

Ginga relaxes on a chaise longue eating grapes whilst Minga perches on a rabbit-haired hammock reading 'Eat, Love, Pray'.  Ginga begins to discuss the 1990's.  For no reason.  She declares that peachy soft focus lighting in movies was a typical feature of 90's cinema.
 
Ginga: Maybe the 90's in general was embalmed in this fuzzy peachy glow.  In fact didn't the Body Shop have the fuzzy peach lip balm?
Minga: Oh my God, The Body Shop was proper 90's!
Ginga: Fuzzy peach, fuzzy peach lip balm
Minga: Yeah I get it
Ginga: It was like a status symbol.  There was this girl at school who had various types of peach lip balm and I was extremely jealous.
Minga: I've stopped listening
Ginga: She had 10 different types of lip balm!
Minga: zzzzz
Ginga: I mean why on earth would you want that many variations of the same lip balm?
Minga: (Leaves to make some cookies and herbal hash)
Ginga: Joanna D! That was it! It was Joanna D!  Why did she have so many different types of lip balm?!

And so begins our extensive (though not limited) list of what we remember about that glorious decade and what we never want to see again:

Boybands
As much as it hurts Minga to admit it, there is no more room for floppy haired, synchronised gyrating man-boys dressed in ghastly apparitions by Tommy Hilfiger, singing about bullshit love and loss.

Old brick phones

Alamak chat Oh internet, how you've changed.

Fake hair
Whole shopping malls had areas dedicated to faux hair on a scrunchie.
Minga: Did they have fake Ginga hair?
Ginga: Um, no because nobody wanted to be Ginga in the 90's.  Ginga only became cool in 2003.
Minga: How salacious!
Ginga: Or did Ginga become cool once Ginga Spice came about?
Minga: That's a contradictory sentence.

Chokers
Especially the tattoo kind

The beginning of metallics, white pants, midriffs and FM boots aka Britney's entire wardrobe

Drinks like Midori, RTD's and Sambuca flaming shots - oh how rad!

Jennifer Lopez before she miracously realised she was from the block.

Armband tattoos, Chinese symbol tattoos and bellypiercings - not that we had any.

Titanic the film.  For more ranting and hate go here.

Goths before Emo's

Models being Super

Surfer labels like Rip Curl and Billabong being the couture du jour for white, middle-class, obsessively boring-bound-to-end-up-married-by-age-25-with-three-kids-and-a-mortgage types.

Raves (Minga and Ginga have particularly fond memories of sneaking out of them and gulping down pure cheap vodka to become even more awesome)

The beginnings of the peudo-lesbian movement

Homie-G's (RIP Nate Dogg, may you chill and 'lax with Tupac and Biggie in the big crib in da sky - in fact the word 'da' is very 90's).

Jennifer Love Hewitt (and her astoundingly horrific music) and most bland TV turned film actors with three names as names, we're looking at you Jonathon Taylor Thomas, Chad Michael Murray (extra points for having Murray in the list), Freddie Prinze Jnr, Seann William Scott, Sarah Michelle Geller...

Speaking of Geller, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (The Twilight of last Century).

There you have it.  Next time, the 00's....if we can be bothered.

Annual Sandwich Choice Awards

After enjoying another ravishing Saturday night watching the epic odyssey that is the horrific Teen Choice Awards, Minga and her accomplice in all things sad, Chinga, enjoyed the delightfully super specific and irrelevant awards categories, such as:

Teen Choice Award for Masturbating Whilst Your Hot Gay Poet Lover Shags His Desperate Girlfriend in Front of You:

Robert Pattinson in Little Ashes.

 

Since here at Sandwich we're all for plagiarising, we thought we'd start our own Annual Sandwich Choice Awards.  Enjoy and please vote (can you guess the Supreme Sandwich Winner?)

 

 The French and Saunders Award for French and Saunders:

French and Saunders.   

 poll by twiigs.com

Top Google Searches

So Google analytics is rather awesome.  So are the keywords that people use in Google search  in order to find some sort of enlightenment in this twisted, over-saturated Internet world.  However some poor bastards are refused that enlightenment and instead are directed to this sad excuse for a blog. 

Interesting what you people are trying to find, interesting and hilarious.  Here they are (for real!) : 

The Top Most Awesome Search Keywords That Bring You to Sandwich Glory

10. Sandwich stereotypes

9. Aladdin porn or Aladdin sex scene or Aladdin shirtless

8. Is Lestat de Lioncourt racist? Is Tony Blair damned?

7. How to bum cigarettes in Paris

6.  Woman, where's my freakin' sandwich?

5. Sexiest Sandwich

4.  My jizz tube.

3. Prince Carl Philip + trouser braces

2. Horny Ginga Minga

And the number one most AWESOME keyword search that brings you to casa de Sandwich is...

1. Super Mutated Epic Llama

                                           

Top 5 Reasons New Zealand is Better Than Australia

Yeah you read right cretins.   This is the mother of all lists.  In 1993 it would be the Mac Daddy of all lists.  In classical Greece, it would be the Illiad of all lists.  If it were a tasteless vomit-like burger, it would be the Whopper of all lists.  BRING. IT.  Rachinga, this is dedicated to you, you third-caste Aussie-German-S'porean wench.

5.

For every Goddess like Cate Blanchett, you then have a handful of excessively hideous villains like Pauline Hanson, Mel Gibson, John Howard and that douche Lleyton Hewitt.  

4. There's a popular saying in Middle Earth, 'support NZ or any team playing against Australia'.  This has nothing to do with athleticism or nationalism (Minga's two worst enemies) but the monstrosity that is the Australian national colours.  Observe and recoil in horror:

3.  Australia was founded by criminals and social rejects of the UK, who were sent there, often by force, to carry out their sentence in this new found world.  New Zealand was founded by those criminals and social rejects of Australia who were deemed mentally insane.  In the Sandwich book of who's cooler, crazy people would be Ice Cold.

 [alright so he was Aussie, we'll give you that one]

 2.

 [Australia}

 [New Zealand]

List of things that can literally KILL you in Australia:

Giant bugs

Snakes

Crocodiles

Sharks

The Sun

Other Aussies

List of things that can kill you in NZ:

Possible overload of love and licks by fluffy kittens and puppies.

1.

 

Australia is obviously so good that Rachinga decided to instead get a UK passport and gain UK residency.  Ohhh diplomatic burn.

Top 5 Gingas

Since my beautiful Ginga is leaving me once again to whore herself out to the cretins of the film industry whilst possibly scoring some Third World intern, I thought it fitting to bid her farewell with a list of Top 5 Ginga's of the World.

Oh wife, you will be missed.  Just a little.  Then I'll get over it and forget you ever existed.

So here we go.  (forgetting those self hating Ginga deniers, Lohan and Kidman we're looking at you).

5.  Ron Weasley

Oh Ron, the loveable, slightly dim witted sidekick to Glady's boyfriend Harry Potter.  Obviously not as molest-worthy as Schwarzkoff poster-child Cedric Diggory, nor as awesome as uber-geek Neville Longbottom, yet Ron proves that you can still be loveable after six instalments of films about kids and wands.  You hear that Hermione? 

4. Julianne Moore

I think this was a given.  She is the Ginga Goddess of Ginger Goodness.  Gingas and plebs alike bow down to her awesomeness that oozes out of every orifice.  She is like a demi-God from Mount Gingompus.  Sent down by Zeus, the bearded Ginge, as a sign of his master-piece in aesthetic wonders.  She turns rivers into gold, hate into love, and grown mammals weep at the mere sight of her. 

3. Elizabeth 1 right through to Prince Harry

 

Elizabeth 1 not only survived being the child of Fatty the 8th, but she reigned the British Empire for over 40 years, kicked Spain's arse and said no to marriage, all that with an impressive Ginga fro. 

If you have ever visited the National Portrait Gallery in London, you will realise that all those jokes and mere musings regarding the incest that exists within Royal families, is rather true. And why would you want to breed with blonde or brunette degenerates and risk losing your magnificent Ginga genes?  They didn't and right through the centuries, Ginga monarchs have ruled, right through to Prince Harry - the cool, edgy, Nazi costume wearing one.  Respect.

2. The Gingerbread Man

GINGEEE!!! Three words: Gum drop buttons.   Oh we heart you Gingerbread man, don't go changing (or get eaten).

1.  Catherine Tate

Some of you may argue against British comedian and all-round lele, Catherine Tate being our numero uno.  To that I say, no haters allowed, holla to my bitches and hoes, Tate is bringing Ginga back.  Hero, saviour and hardcore advocater of Ginga rights, she is like the Karl Marx of Gingas everywhere, shouting her cries for Ginga equality, appealing to the Ginga masses for unity 'Be a ginger, not a Whinger!'.
If you need more assurance just watch the video below, or if you'd prefer to skip the pleasantries, go on and sex a Ginga here.

Top 10 Romantic Movie Heroes - That Don't Exist.

So apparently the great Mills&Boon publishing house, now over 100 years old, has reported a high increase in women downloading E-books of their fabulous trashy romance novels.

Minga is personally looking forward to reading, "Nurse, Nanny...Bride!" from their medical series (a series dedicated to contemporary romances set against the medical profession....genius).  BBC called it 'women wishing to be swept off their feet by their hero'.

Here at Sandwich we're all about bullshit and non-existent realities too.   So this got us thinking about the typical heroes we fall in love with in the movies, but whom fail to present themselves in the miserable drag that is reality. 

1.  The Bradley Cooper Effect

The random hot guy who stands or sits next to you on a plane/at a cafe/tube/family tractor/log flume ride.  Often he takes the form of the charming Bradley Cooper, and more than often, he's actually married/gay/straight/emotionally barren/your second cousin/insert horrible reality.   That is if he even decides to talk you in the first place because lets face it, the Universe is just that cruel.

Damn you Universe, damn you Cooper.

Top 10 Worst Things of the Decade

Here at Sandwich HQ we like to take the edge off writing hardcore serious pieces that have consumed our blood, sweat and tears for the past month (often resulting in various mental breakdowns, vodka binges and general aversion to people) and instead write a fun, light hearted list for pleasure - serious pleasure.  

 

So it's the end of the year and in fact, the end of a whole damn decade.  If you're unhinged like us, you would've noticed all the Top 10 lists of the Decade sprouting everywhere like unavoidable fungi.  So, in wanting to be cool like the cool kids, Sandwich here has decided to join in and write our own fascinating list of The Top 10 WORST Things of the Decade.  What we hope will not re-surface in the new decade, R.I.P  2000-2009

10.  IPHONES/IPODS/ISUCKS

Do you honestly need to check your 405 so-called ‘friends’s status updates when you’re out having a latte?  Do you even ever call people with your phone anymore? 

The rate at which mobile technology is evolving is becoming practically ridiculous.  The fact that other technologies are not, is alarming.  Think about it.  You ask a satellite from outer space to send you minute pictures of the closest Starfucks to your mobile, yet if you become blind, they still only give you a stick, guide dog and a ‘good luck’.   

If that’s not bad enough, how about this for horrific: Mining for the materials needed to make mobiles (amongst other things) are often bought from rebel groups and militia in certain African nations like the DR Congo, thus helping fuel the horrendous conflicts that occur there.  There is also the twisted tale of companies Nokia and Sieman’s helping the Iranian regime gather information on citizens in the post-election crackdown earlier this year. For shame mobile technology, for shame.

9.  HOT PANTS

When did forgetting to wear your pants out become a fashion statement?  Is this the cause of global warming in that our legs become so over heated due to the melting of the icecaps that we must wear less and less in hopes of not self combusting?    Has the recession hit us so hard that we can no longer afford materials long enough to cover our entire leg thus must get the mini version for sake of financial dependency?  Has showing cleavage taken a back seat and become so last century? 

So many questions hotpants, so many.  Yet you stay silent and infect us still with your ghastly sight. Be gone.  

8.  GEORGE W BUSH

Enough said.

7.  SMOKING BANS

As the only sole smoker (and thus only really cool person) at Sandwich, Minga has personal beef with the above.  I’m not talking about the ban on smoking inside, which makes a lot of sense, but with areas OUTSIDE, which are banned.  This is not 1984 and I am not smoking crack, so give me peace.  Plus I don’t appreciate overweight ugly citizens telling me that what I am doing is bad for me, whilst they chug back a lager and heart-attack breakfast.  Be gone anti-smoking Nazi’s and stop attempting to horde us into smoker’s ghettos.  Otherwise we will be forced to make our own nation-state by ways of illegal smoker’s settlements and smoking nukes.

The Top 5 Most Over Rated Movies Ever...

Here at Sandwich HQ we like to take the edge off writing hardcore serious pieces that have consumed our blood, sweat and tears for the past month (often resulting in various mental breakdowns, vodka binges and general aversion to people) and instead write a fun, light hearted list for pleasure - serious pleasure.

With hopes of keeping this short, we've focused more on the films that received undeserved critical attention and hype hence fooling us mere mortals into believing that we would be witnessing a cinematic masterpiece - instead of the douchery pile of over hyped bullocks that was the reality.   Here we go, let's get serious:

5.  Most things by Oliver Stone

 

[Another night at Christophes]

 Oliver Stone is  a self-taught writer/director, 'Nam veteran, who has been known to make 'gritty' and 'controversial' films about war, US Presidents, US football, and dodgy inaccurate historical epics.  He also lives up to his name in being stoned whilst on set (Minga knows this for a fact after conversing with one of his cocky cameramen - they're all cocky, it's inevitable, but at least Stone wasn't whacked out on coke and throwing walkies at me, but I/we digress.  We'll get onto the film set caste system another time).

8 Literary Characters We'd Like to Shag

Here at Sandwich HQ we like to take the edge off writing hardcore serious pieces that have consumed our blood, sweat and tears for the past month (often resulting in various mental breakdowns, vodka binges and general aversion to people) and instead write a fun, light hearted list for pleasure - serious pleasure. Enjoy and please add any future list title suggestions in comments.

Our list today is in celebration of classic and famous literary characters we'd like to shag.  This is in response to a similar list, where the author of the list was obviously on crack and completely asexual, because who in their right mind would shag Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the goddamn Rye yet not include Dorian Gray?  Honestly, people get your priorities sorted.  We have. 

 8 TODD WILKINS/BRUCE PATMAN - Sweet Valley High by Francine Pascal

 Whether you're the type who fell for the boy-next-door, closeted homo with an amazing hair quiff  or the preppy egomaniac with the 80's sportscar and rapist wit, these guys make it to our list. Though Patman over here, looks uncannily like the love-child of Zac Efron and Paris Hilton... let's hope that we are never exposed to such atrocities (i.e Hilton spawning).