8 Literary Characters We'd Like to Shag

Here at Sandwich HQ we like to take the edge off writing hardcore serious pieces that have consumed our blood, sweat and tears for the past month (often resulting in various mental breakdowns, vodka binges and general aversion to people) and instead write a fun, light hearted list for pleasure - serious pleasure. Enjoy and please add any future list title suggestions in comments.

Our list today is in celebration of classic and famous literary characters we'd like to shag.  This is in response to a similar list, where the author of the list was obviously on crack and completely asexual, because who in their right mind would shag Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the goddamn Rye yet not include Dorian Gray?  Honestly, people get your priorities sorted.  We have. 

 8 TODD WILKINS/BRUCE PATMAN - Sweet Valley High by Francine Pascal

 Whether you're the type who fell for the boy-next-door, closeted homo with an amazing hair quiff  or the preppy egomaniac with the 80's sportscar and rapist wit, these guys make it to our list. Though Patman over here, looks uncannily like the love-child of Zac Efron and Paris Hilton... let's hope that we are never exposed to such atrocities (i.e Hilton spawning).

Travel Piece - London

Haiku for London

Why were you so cruel? Damn you

Forever.  Call me.

Where's My Freakin' Sexist Stereotype? Cougar Quiz!

Cougars are so hot right now.  So are quizzes.  So we've combined the two.  Enjoy.

Dedicated to Diana, Amanda, and Safeena - cougars for life.

 You’re out on the prowl tonight with your friends – all less attractive than you of course so as to eliminate any competition.  Your clothing of choice is:

 a)      Throwbacks to the early 00’s – white pants, fluorescent boob tubes/backless glitter tops and metallics.

b)      All black dress/power suit

Once you’re out and about in some flashy club, full of humanity’s degenerates and horrendously banal music, you spot a group of good looking males.  Your next move is:

a)      Watch intently then prey on the weaker one
b)      Leave while your dignity is still intact.

This is:
a) Cougar Bait
b) A girl with a great nose job and badly shaped brows.

Did you only have a daughter so that you could go on double dates and Jonas Brothers concerts?
a)      Absolutely.  The male foetus was ‘taken care of’.
b)      No.

Some people have mottos.  We don’t, but you do.  It’s:
a)      Hunt rather than be hunted.
b)      I don’t do mottos.

If you were to lobby the government for anything it would be:
a)      Lower the age of consent
b)      Tax reform

Your choice of drug is:
a)      Rohypnol
b)      Yuppie classics: wine, coke and greed

What’s the best thing about marriage?
a)      Divorce with alimony
b)      Divorce with alimony

Mostly A’s – You must be happy, just as happy as that 21 year old in the Abercrombie and Crap polo that you’re stalking.

   

Mostly B’s – Obviously you need to educate yourself in the ways of the cougar.  (No, really it's an actual site with actual dating services catering to 'cougars'...sweet baby Jesus).

[Zac Efron]

Where's My Freakin' Film Review? This Is It

Oh MJ.  How I loved thee.  So before we begin this review, you must know that I was/am a major fan.  Short of actually wanting to become Michael Jackson, I grew up slightly obsessed with the gloved one.  This included performing personalised choreography to Billie Jean and coming fourth at a talent contest (that consisted of four contestants, but let’s face it, you’re never gonna win when there’s freckled, gap toothed, 10 year old playing a violin) and I even held an MJ party.  I have pictures and witnesses who can testify.  Don’t judge, you know it’s a genius idea.

Yet I did not cry when I saw him in concert back in the day, nor when he died, yet I almost cried when I watched this shameful debaucle of a so-called ‘film’.  Cried from sheer boredom.

Yes, he sings, yes he moves, yes he wears Spock-like shoulder pads and cartooned pants, but this film is basically what it says it is:  recordings of someone rehearsing a concert.  Someone rehearsing for two hours! As in no amazing effects, some random dancing and a whole bunch of people on stage in trackpants being watched by roadies and lighting supervisors.
 

This was obviously a ploy for the company responsible for the 50 concerts to get their millions back.  And we all know that exploitation of the dead sells, just ask Elvis.  And yes, I brought up Elvis on purpose to suggest fake deaths with hopes that MJ is also chilling in some rural South American township, raising llamas and smoking shisha with the local indigenous tribes.  If you don’t believe me, read this.

I give it a sandwich rating of tuna and mayo on rye bread with a hint of tomato.  Boring.   You’re better off watching this instead.  Pure subtly.

Allow Us to Introduce Ourselves...

Ginga is a ravishing manic depressive with a hunchback, expensive toe socks and jugs to die for.

Likes: Parisian men; homemade seafood paella; Parisian men who make seafood paella; men who don't use babywipes in unusual ways; trouser braces; America's Next Top Model; Parisian men in trouser braces making seafood paella.

Dislikes: heart shaped candy (induces vomiting); umbrellas; sandwiches; induced vomiting; PA's; chats about the weather by PA's; socks; vampire chavs.

Person in History She'd Resurrect Just To Shag: Napolean

 Minga is an ethnically vague, buck toothed, aspiring gay man in a woman's body with a sparkle in her eye.

Likes: Minge jokes; Parisian men; Parisian men who are not repelled; sabotage; High School Musical; laser hair removal; forceful groping; inanimate object costumes; existential prose; eating; being awesome.

Dislikes: Sandwiches; human beings in general; weddings; seafood paella; flutes; text abbreviations like LOL, WTF and OMG; things with more than four legs and wings; diamonds.

Person in History She'd Resurrect Just To Shag: Lord Byron (if his syphilis has disappeared).

Welcome our Minions

Currently Minga and Ginga are extremely busy leading extremely busy lives - what with Ginga whoring it up in Christchurch with Neo-Nazi's and IRA tank drivers, and Minga having an extremely sexual affair with Jon Stewart (in their quest to make the ultimate Super Babies from the Middle East).

Sandwich decided to hire two honourable minions to contribute to the blog. And by hire we mean blackmail, and by blackmail we mean photographic evidence, and by photographic evidence we mean when you're snorting illegal grade-A coke off the abs of a 15 year old Saudi Prince whilst wearing your baby seal fur coat and conflict diamond necklace, DON'T THINK NO ONE WILL FIND OUT!

Let us now introduce them and welcome them to the Sandwich family...

Minion #1 is the quirky accountant (...but aspiring MI6 Agent/Gangsters Moll) and hair model and London correspondent, Sheenghis (Sheena) Khan.

Turn ons: hovering on the edge of anticipation; power drills; arm wrestles; glossy hair products; Excel spreadsheets; building fabulous sets of drawers; 17 degrees; James Dean; the Mafia; ten-pin bowling; chasing the edge; ravaging China, India and half the Persian Empire.

Minion #2 is the ethically and morally vague Christophe, our correspondent in Paris, France.

Turn ons: Russian pilots; Ryan Tedder; the Economist; zebra jumpsuits; singing power ballads on Parisian streets; half-naked one man shows to 80's tunes; the Goddess that is Madonna; Brazilian porn; Brazilian porn featuring Madonna; love; sex and magic.

You have been warned...