Top 10 Worst Things of the Decade

Here at Sandwich HQ we like to take the edge off writing hardcore serious pieces that have consumed our blood, sweat and tears for the past month (often resulting in various mental breakdowns, vodka binges and general aversion to people) and instead write a fun, light hearted list for pleasure - serious pleasure.  

 

So it's the end of the year and in fact, the end of a whole damn decade.  If you're unhinged like us, you would've noticed all the Top 10 lists of the Decade sprouting everywhere like unavoidable fungi.  So, in wanting to be cool like the cool kids, Sandwich here has decided to join in and write our own fascinating list of The Top 10 WORST Things of the Decade.  What we hope will not re-surface in the new decade, R.I.P  2000-2009

10.  IPHONES/IPODS/ISUCKS

Do you honestly need to check your 405 so-called ‘friends’s status updates when you’re out having a latte?  Do you even ever call people with your phone anymore? 

The rate at which mobile technology is evolving is becoming practically ridiculous.  The fact that other technologies are not, is alarming.  Think about it.  You ask a satellite from outer space to send you minute pictures of the closest Starfucks to your mobile, yet if you become blind, they still only give you a stick, guide dog and a ‘good luck’.   

If that’s not bad enough, how about this for horrific: Mining for the materials needed to make mobiles (amongst other things) are often bought from rebel groups and militia in certain African nations like the DR Congo, thus helping fuel the horrendous conflicts that occur there.  There is also the twisted tale of companies Nokia and Sieman’s helping the Iranian regime gather information on citizens in the post-election crackdown earlier this year. For shame mobile technology, for shame.

9.  HOT PANTS

When did forgetting to wear your pants out become a fashion statement?  Is this the cause of global warming in that our legs become so over heated due to the melting of the icecaps that we must wear less and less in hopes of not self combusting?    Has the recession hit us so hard that we can no longer afford materials long enough to cover our entire leg thus must get the mini version for sake of financial dependency?  Has showing cleavage taken a back seat and become so last century? 

So many questions hotpants, so many.  Yet you stay silent and infect us still with your ghastly sight. Be gone.  

8.  GEORGE W BUSH

Enough said.

7.  SMOKING BANS

As the only sole smoker (and thus only really cool person) at Sandwich, Minga has personal beef with the above.  I’m not talking about the ban on smoking inside, which makes a lot of sense, but with areas OUTSIDE, which are banned.  This is not 1984 and I am not smoking crack, so give me peace.  Plus I don’t appreciate overweight ugly citizens telling me that what I am doing is bad for me, whilst they chug back a lager and heart-attack breakfast.  Be gone anti-smoking Nazi’s and stop attempting to horde us into smoker’s ghettos.  Otherwise we will be forced to make our own nation-state by ways of illegal smoker’s settlements and smoking nukes.

6.  PARIS HILTON

The rise and rise of the vacant, dim witted, starving fame-whore which came to prominence in the noughties, particularly in the figure of this Douche and has tainted our world ever since.  We particularly despise the people who justify said Douche as actually being smart, and that she is only ‘acting dumb’.  To that we say, BA-HUMBUG! Firstly no smart person in their right mind would ever want to be presented in such an appalling manner and secondly no smart person would ever permit the promotion of women acting dumb in order to satisfy others.  Said Douche, is also the reason for our number 3.  Devil’s Advocate indeed, go back to the netherworlds of Satan and let us be safe again in 2010.

5.  RECESSION

Banks suck and bankers should be hunted down and hung in town squares for citizens to throw dead carcasses of goats at them.  But we don’t encourage violence.  Unless it’s banks, and specifically HSBC in the UK, where the ‘H’ clearly stands for “Heil Hitler”.

4.  WAR ON TERROR

                                          [is this what it's come down to? Aladdin? Really? Oh woe]

Speaking of ol’ Georgie W, the attacks in New York in 2001, marked a very heavy day for most of the world in that, we knew retaliation would be coming with the US and Darth Bush at the helm.  And we are suffering still.  Forget fearing for your life if you ever visit a US or European city in case some crazy cousin of Minga’s decides to go militant, the real fear is in the horrors of air travel and the absolute chaos that is bestowed upon you at airports.

First they ban liquids because some losers find a way to make chemical bombs, then we are to go shoeless because some Yeti makes a shoebomb, and now, we are to go pantless, because some goober hid a bomb in his undies.  Minga once saw a woman in a wheelchair being almost strip searched and forced to CLIMB STAIRS at a Belgian airport.  As if she didn’t have enough problems.  Honestly, enough is enough.

3.  REALITY SHOWS

 

They are an insult to all of humanity and the struggles we have taken over centuries to become a more civilised society.  They are the disease that kills off potential work for talented writers and actors.  Instead we are left with hideously banal, ego-centric dredges of society raping our television in their quest to find 15 minutes of so-called fame and immortality.    And the networks are ready to throw huge amounts of cash at them and the masses are ready to throw huge amounts of time and acknowledgement upon them.  All we can say is, if this is the Apocalypse, we blame Ryan Seacrest.

2.  GLOBAL WARMING

If you are a child of the 80’s, you like us, will remember the times when recycling was first introduced, when ads told you to ‘switch it off', and that first time you wet your pants when you filled your car and realised it cost you a week’s paycheck.  Such nostalgia, for an era where we thought that if we really tried, we could stop the oncoming global meltdown of the Earth and save our world.   

Now in adulthood, we are no longer that naive and have realised that it was never really in our hands, and like learning calculus, no matter how hard we try, we’ll never get there.  Icebergs are melting, tsunami’s are killing and the Pacific Ring of Hell is back in form.  So let’s become like those goobers paid by the oil companies, and believe climate change is not real and is just a myth conjured up by left-wing hippy Commies.

1.  CORPORATIONS

Did you ever see that episode of the Simpsons when Bart sold his soul to Milhouse for $5?  Well we poor citizens of the world are Bart and ol' Milhouse is the Corporation (this is no reference to Milhouse being Jewish - let's not go there today folks). 

The corporation is the Mac Daddy of all evils in our present world.  The Darth Vadar of all in the Universe.  The epitome of all that is wrong and immoral in this world (and the next). 

The rise of the corporation became more frightening after the evolvement of free-trade/prostitution of the Third World.  Not only do they exploit everything they get their hands on but they can cause actual damage to whole countries. They own national transport systems, oil, the colour blue and of course ignore the poor. Pharmaceutical companies invest more money in baldness cures than providing anti-malaria tablets for the world's poor who die in their millions every year from the curable disease. Even Donald Trump bought a toupee and moved on, so come on, get your act together.

So really there is no hope for the next decade, we’ll have another 10 years of unwanted crap, war, corporate greed killing innocents and fat people crying their eyes out on television.  Enjoy.

[But will anyone think of the kittens? THINK OF THE KITTENS!]