Willis! Osama! Breaking Sandwich News! Exclamation Marks!

So apparently this week was full of breaking world news!  Our high class BFF, Willis got married in front of 2 billion people (awkward) and certain media felt it imminent to spend many broadcast hours discussing what the biscuit tins would look like and what type of nightmares the bride to be would be having (apart from the obvious - 'oh my God we're probably cousins').
But alas we cannot diss the Prince, mainly because he once did cleverly diss Minga in a nightclub in London.  Point: Willis.  But Minga did snatch a quick cheek kiss and grope.  Point: Minga.  Before being 'escorted' away by his bodyguards decked in fabulous grey knits.  Point: Her Majesty's Service.

The other big news of course has been that that bearded cousin of Minga's, Uncle Osama,  has been killed and his body buried at sea.  Odd choice for a dude who mainly lived in a cave but apparently the world (i.e frat kids in the US) are going nuts.  A naive part of us thinks this is great but the realist side (i.e boring side) believes that this will cause some badass retaliation from Uncle's supporters causing what the US and allies would consider justification to invade yet another part of the world that loves deserts and extreme facial hair.  Hmmm....oh world, when will you learn??

But forget all that.  The biggest news to hit Sandwich HQ (and consequently all of humanity, for we like to think in hyperboles) is that Minga found this:

Her life is now complete.

Haiku for 127 Hours

James Franco, why did

You not take a damn phone? Dude

You are hot but dumb.

sigh.

A Sonnet for All the Men I've Loved Before

To all the men I've loved before

Why did you leave me?

We were happy, delightful and so full of zest

You were drinking cognac

I was spilling it on my jeans

Together we were divine

You were getting high

I was swatting flies

Together we were invincible

You were sneaking a naughty smoke

I was leering a dirty look

Together we made art

Together we were someone, something and somewhere magnificent

Alone I am lost, alone and not at all bitter

Alone you are not, because that bitch of a wench you left me for still exists.

So again I cry

To all the men I've loved before

Where did you go?

South East Asia apparently.

Fuckers.

Fin.

Happy Fucking Christmas

In the spirit of Christmas, this post will be quick, to the point and full of tinsel.

'Tis the time to be festive and 'tis the time where repelling is at its highest.  In fact Minga got stood up the other day...by a girl...at the carpark of a dodgy backpackers, alone with her thoughts, in the rain, attempting to light up with some godforesaken matches that did not embrace the windy and horrid weather that came about.

So let it be that this festive season, we at Sandwich would like to do a Kanye West.  We would like to blame everyone else in the Universe for being fucking cruel, for being fucking muppets and for not embracing our magnificence as they should.  It's your fault Universe.  Fuck you. 

Merry Christmas to all you other fuckers who have too been fucked mercilessly by the big, bad, world.

Supreme Sandwich Winner

We had another fabulous list to woo you all with today but alas Minga was forced to do actual work and subsequently lost her faith in anything and is on the verge of projectile vomiting if she has to stare at a computer screen for much longer.

Hence we'll keep it short.  After a whooping 11 votes (wooooo!) we have our Supreme Winner of the Annual Sandwich Choice Awards 2010.

We wrote to his Supreme Sandwichness R-Patz to congratulate him and give him his award - a homemade promise ring with the initials SSS (Sandwich Sex Slave) and a voucher to Minga's favourite lasor hair removal place (with Sally, she's legendary).  Alas we only got a hold of his UK manager who in true Brit fashion told us: "That's not my job" and continued to instead babble on about the weather whilst queuing for a sandwich and beer at the local. 

My Own Private Sandwich

Once again your Sandwich whores are busy, attempting multiple repels, molesting random Austrian backpackers, avoiding Danish ones.  So here is another fabulous video find courtesy of Minga's Ultimate Porno, 'My Own Private Idaho' (though to be honest, we were a bit jipped as Keanu and River barely got it on...*sigh*).

Bring it on Hans....

Miss Universe 2010

My mentor, guru and ultimate dinner guest nominee, Chris Rock, once noted how he does not believe in The Stripper Myth, that strippers strip to pay their way through college.  He proudly asks, "Then how come I never got a smart lapdance?  How come I never got a girl going, 'ever since the end of the Cold War, I'm finding NATO obsolete'..."

So why are we bringing the idea of strippers and obsoletes under the Miss Universe umbrella?  Because Minga was forced to watch the god forsaken atrocity that is the Miss Universe pageant last night and cannot for the life of her understand why this hideous excuse for a cosmetic surgery orgy is still around.  Here's my beef on why it has and always will be, wrong:

1.  There is obviously a cosmetic surgeon monopoly on the girls.  They all lookalike.  You tell me how the Filipino looks half black, half Middle Eastern???

2.  It's owned by Donald Trump.  Dude who brags about his wealth but really is not that rich in comparison to the big honchos.  It's like comparing Lindsay Lohan to Robert Downey Jnr.  Yeah she did coke, but Downey probably helped raise the GDP of the entire nation of Colombia.

3.  Is it just me or does the show get more boring and banal?  Perhaps the contestants could walk in their swimsuits whilst reciting some Sartre?  Perhaps they could act out scenes from the books of Marquis de Sade whilst dressed in their national garb?  Perhaps they should unban the eligibility of trans-sexuals and stop accepting Singapore as a real country?  

4.  Do you think because she is named Miss UNIVERSE, once her reign ends, they shove her into a secret test rocket to send into outer space with hopes of running into an alien lifeforce?  Because first impressions count and perhaps if the aliens believe that all of humanity looks like this they might be more inclined to make contact?  Then again silicon would be such a waste in space where gravity is non-existent.  

5.  In conclusion, just like strippers, Miss Universe is cliched, desperate and wastes a lot of money, and just like NATO, it should definitely become obsolete.

Speaking of other fabulously ridiculous things that should not see the light of day again, our fashionable part time Sandwich wench, Titan Lover, found us this hilarious video. 

Haiku for Gucci

Haiku for Gucci.

Your ads are the reason

I can stand my job.

Otherwise I would

Torch the place down whilst watching

With a fag in hand.

Splash.

Ross Gellar's Sandwich

So apparently we are super busy, what with breeding super mutant Ninja Llamas to post anything at the moment, though rest assured more love is coming (one can handle only so many angry llamas). Until then, enjoy this sandwich loving gem from our man Ross Gellar from Friends.

What a Minga Wants

Today is Minga's birthday.  Horaay.  And as it is Minga's last year of her delicate (read: disappointing) 20's, she would like to present a list of what she would like this year to the Universe (read: life ruiner).  Please Universe, don't be a wanker this year, it's not good for your image.

What A Minga Wants:   (Because her body is saying let's go, but her heart is saying no...)

1.  Love, sex and magic (some magic is needed for the first two to occur)
2.  Her wife to not be killed by a snake, scorpion or militant Filipino.
3.  To kill off Jon Stewart's bitch of a wife and take her much deserved place.  Homewrecker.
4.  Talkback radio to be sent to the netherworlds of Hell never to return.
5.  Helen Mirren.
6.  Ugly ignorant people to stop procreating.
7.  Lifetime supply of crack cakes.
8.  Sheenghis to buy a house in London so that I can fulfil my dream of becoming a full time squatter artist who only wears brown wool cardigans whilst reading Tolstoy in the garden as Cedric Diggery serenades me with a ukulele.  
9.  To promote the ukulele because it has the word lele in it. 
10. To go to this mysterious bar in Paris with Christophe where hot bartenders bathe naked - why are all good ideas already taken?  


Come on Universe, you owe me.  April, 2009 - need I say more?  Hater.
Love Minga.  

Planet of the Apes: 2010 Special

Dearest Sandwich lovers,

Where were we for a whole week?  Oh woe.  It happened again.

We ran out of them damn apes again (please note:  the above photo-shopper of above image clearly does not know its apes from its less loved primates, monkeys.  Chimps are apes.  The difference?  Apes don't have tails.  But they have plenty of tales.)

Oscars 2010

The blatantly self-absorbed shameful debaucle* that is the Academy Awards will be rearing its ugly head once again this March.  Now with the exception of District 9, anyone else think the majority of the Best Picture nominees  are somewhat sounding more like porn titles?  Or is it just us (in particular Minga who has obviously had her share of porn to last one a lifetime)?  Well, like Step Up 2 (which clearly should have been nominated) let's take it to the streets:

An Education

Sandwich Verdict:  Paedophilia. 

Actual plot:  An older man gets it on with a 16 year old school girl in 1960's London.

The Hurt Locker

Sandwich Verdict:  Sadism 

Actual plot:  War in Iraq.

Inglorius Basterds

Sandwich Verdict:  Unsatisfactory masturbation

Actual plot:  Nazi hunters and Jewish vengeance amidst a re-envisioning of WWII.

Up

Sandwich verdict:  Elderly porn with Viagra.

Actual plot:  Animation about some old guy going on an adventure with his house.

Up in the Air

Sandwich Verdict:  Mile High club

Actual:  Clooney flying around the US firing people.  Unfortunately there's only one sex scene and it occurs on the ground with no naked Clooney.  Blasphemous.

Precious:  Based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire

Sandwich:  Self explanatory really.

Actual: Tag line reads: "Life is hard. Life is short. Life is painful. Life is rich. Life is....Precious."

Avatar

Sandwich:  Sex with aliens.

Actual Plot:  Human takes on an avatar  form and has sex with alien.

A Serious Man

Sandwich:  Homo's who mean business.

Actual:  Jewish infidelity.

The Blind Side

Sandwich:  Really?

Actual: American football..zzzzz

*This was the day the Oscars died.  Gwyneth, we're looking at you.

Happy Holidays Haiku

Dear Hot Santa

Instead of crap gifts this year

Give me employment.

Or I will have to

Drown in a pool of vodka
Never to surface.

Splash.

Where's My Freakin' Haiku?

Oh writer's block scum

Why are you so cruel? Damn you

Forever.  Revive me.