Here at Sandwich , we don't get mail. Ever. So we've resorted to stealing other publications' correspondence and answered them ourselves. Because we can all agree that Cosmopolitan's real goal is to annihilate the entire female species back into the Dark Ages. These are real letters people. Serious stuff.
Dear Cosmo ,
I just recently had a close male friend tell me that he often thought of us taking our friendship to the next level. I told him the thought of sleeping with him, made me throw up in my mouth a little. This is news to me, can’t men and women just be friends or am I asking too much?
Regards,
For the longest time, we believed (naively so) in the theory that two people can be just plutonic friends without it developing into anything sexual. That is, can a straight man and a straight woman be just friends. The plain answer, after many years of constantly being disappointed, is a big fat no.
If you haven’t already heard it, we can almost gurantee that one day that great male BFF of yours will reveal how he often thought of you two going out because to him, it’s inevitable that you would have thought the same. If the possibility of sex is there, the man would have thought of it.
Researching deeper, our Homo on the Run correspondent can also agree that the same goes in the men who like men category, probably even more so. If you don’t believe us, walk into the Sanctuary Soho club’s bathrooms on a Friday night. (Minga’s note: Say hi to Dominic and ask him to call me when he likes vaginas again).
What about our good friends in lele land? Can females who dig other females be plutonic friends? According to a source, lesbians can be friends with other lesbians for years without it becoming sexual. We generalise of course, but that’s what we do best.
So, the only conclusion we can come to is this: MEN WANT SEX. Like duh. If you need more assurance, listen to what a male friend of ours told Minga (shortly before declaring that aforementioned I WANT SEX). “If you want to think like man, have a couple of drinks so that you’re a little tipsy. You’ll also become a bit more confident, horny and notice how every person in the bar becomes a lot more attractive. Then you’re a man”.
If you can prove our theory wrong, please do. Do it. For the children.
Dear Cosmo,
How can I please my man so that he doesn’t stray?
Regards, __
P.s Thanks for the intense piece Undercover at Tanning Salons. I learnt so much.
Dear Blank,
You need to realise that those dirty lele feminists of the past have been oppressing our men for years. God, we got the vote, what more do we want? The Victorian's were right, we simply can't mensturate and think at the same time, that's just cause for mania!
And now our men are suffering. They are such victims and we need to help put an end to such inequalities. We need our men to feel appreciated and loved so that they don't look for it someplace else. We suggest we stop all this women's right's nonsense and head back to a simpler, less complex time where men were men and women were chained to a vaccum cleaner popping valium. We'll get you started, take a look at this 1950’s Home Economics Handbook. Brilliant stuff.
I just recently had a close male friend tell me that he often thought of us taking our friendship to the next level. I told him the thought of sleeping with him, made me throw up in my mouth a little. This is news to me, can’t men and women just be friends or am I asking too much?
Regards,
For the longest time, we believed (naively so) in the theory that two people can be just plutonic friends without it developing into anything sexual. That is, can a straight man and a straight woman be just friends. The plain answer, after many years of constantly being disappointed, is a big fat no.
If you haven’t already heard it, we can almost gurantee that one day that great male BFF of yours will reveal how he often thought of you two going out because to him, it’s inevitable that you would have thought the same. If the possibility of sex is there, the man would have thought of it.
Researching deeper, our Homo on the Run correspondent can also agree that the same goes in the men who like men category, probably even more so. If you don’t believe us, walk into the Sanctuary Soho club’s bathrooms on a Friday night. (Minga’s note: Say hi to Dominic and ask him to call me when he likes vaginas again).
What about our good friends in lele land? Can females who dig other females be plutonic friends? According to a source, lesbians can be friends with other lesbians for years without it becoming sexual. We generalise of course, but that’s what we do best.
So, the only conclusion we can come to is this: MEN WANT SEX. Like duh. If you need more assurance, listen to what a male friend of ours told Minga (shortly before declaring that aforementioned I WANT SEX). “If you want to think like man, have a couple of drinks so that you’re a little tipsy. You’ll also become a bit more confident, horny and notice how every person in the bar becomes a lot more attractive. Then you’re a man”.
If you can prove our theory wrong, please do. Do it. For the children.
Dear Cosmo,
How can I please my man so that he doesn’t stray?
Regards, __
P.s Thanks for the intense piece Undercover at Tanning Salons. I learnt so much.
Dear Blank,
You need to realise that those dirty lele feminists of the past have been oppressing our men for years. God, we got the vote, what more do we want? The Victorian's were right, we simply can't mensturate and think at the same time, that's just cause for mania!
And now our men are suffering. They are such victims and we need to help put an end to such inequalities. We need our men to feel appreciated and loved so that they don't look for it someplace else. We suggest we stop all this women's right's nonsense and head back to a simpler, less complex time where men were men and women were chained to a vaccum cleaner popping valium. We'll get you started, take a look at this 1950’s Home Economics Handbook. Brilliant stuff.
And finally a real question and a real answer from answerology.com:
Dear Cosmo Girl,
I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m 18 years old! I’m scared that if and when I find a guy I like, I will mess things up since I am so inexperienced! What should I do?
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