The Proust Questionaire: Adolf Hitler

French writer Marcel Proust popularised personality questionaires in the 19th Century and now they're all the rage, from that goober Lipton in the Actor's Studio, to the back pages of Vanity Fair.  Here at Sandwich, we've taken it to the next level and asked Monsieur Hitler to take the plunge into his inner self...

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Playing with my dog Blondi, invading countries, killing innocents and singing songs from Cabaret when no one’s watching.  I adore Liza. 

What is your greatest fear?
Invalids, homos, Commies, Gypsies and Jews. 

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
 Being too generous.  And having syphilis. 

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Being too invalid, homo, Commie, gypsy and Jewish. 

Which living person do you most admire?
Goebbels – sex on a stick. 

What is your greatest extravagance?
1936 Olympic Games and La Mer beauty products for my skin – smooth like an (Aryan, Protestant, German) babies bottom! 

What is your current state of mind?
Passive aggressive. 

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Dedication, loyalty, soft hands and dreamy eyes, i.e. Goebbels. 

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Suicidal. 

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Heil Myself. 

When and where were you happiest?
When I kicked Bonaparte’s arse by winning World’s Next Top Dictator.  I’m so humbled. 

Who are your favorite writers?
The Passing of the Great Race by Madison Grant and Paradise Lost by Milton.  I am also an avid fan of The Twilight Saga – Team Jacob forever! 

Which talent would you most like to have?
Does fascism count as a talent?  Because I could win gold medals in that one – right Napoleon? 

                                                   [With Goebbels in happier times]

 Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Dr Faustus. 

Who are your heroes in real life?
Goebbels.  BFF’s for life.  A real life Ennis and Jake… 

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Invading Poland and growing this spectacular ‘tache! 

Where would you like to live?
Deutschland, of course.  And possibly Vichy in the South of France – I’ve heard the women there are easy. 

What is your most treasured possession?
My framed Time cover Man of the Year (suck on it Bonaparte) and my signed corset taken from Liza Minneli’s dressing room.  I like to wear it when hoovering.  (Vacuuming) 

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Being rejected from art school – TWICE.  That was very emotionally scarring, especially for such a fragile artist like me. 

What do you most value in your friends?
Friends are stupid and take things too personally when you break supposed non-aggression pacts.  Stalin, I’m looking at you, you big Nancy. 

What are your favorite names?
Hans, Joseph and Goebbels. 

What is it that you most dislike?
Cruelty to animals.  We should all applaud organizations like PETA. 

What is your greatest regret?
Going to the premiere of Schindler’s List – God that was awkward.  

How would you like to die?
I feel the word ‘like’ should be omitted from this question. 

What is your motto?
Ich leibe dich, Goebbels.*

Signed: 


*We are, of course, not condemning our poor homos by suggesting that one of the most ‘evil’ men in history swung their way.  But this guy is.

 If you'd like to bestow your own greatness upon the Proust Questionaire universe, present your own answers here.