London Vs Paris: A Tale of Two Cities

ere at Sandwich we consider ourselves citizens of the world, eternal nomads and intellectually driven adventurers on a quest to find the ultimate enlightenment through the process of world travel.  In other words, we liked Europe and are willing to marry for passports.

London is described by Minga and Ginga as another version of the 7 Levels of Hell much like Dante’s Inferno where he described the personal purgatory of us mortals once deceased. 

London is also like an abusive boyfriend whom you naively think you can change and who’ll one day love you back instead of beating you down physically, mentally and spiritually. London is also exactly how Dicken’s described it – a replica of an industrial time with some modernism but equal in the level of inequality.

In comparison, Paris becomes Voltaire – a place of beauty where one wanders, falls into cafes, sparks up and philosophises amongst the endless beautiful people. Plus being unemployed there is a status symbol of the cool artiste.

A tale of two cities indeed – The Wifebeater vs The Romantic Unemployed

Paris the Hobo Voyage begins with Minga and the Ginga undertaking the odyssey that is a bus trip of 9 hours that includes a hideous overcrowded tour coach and a massive ferry filled with refugees and class rejects from Britain.  (Don't diss the rejects because clearly we fall into that category).

Arrive at some ungodly hour in the morning. End up queuing for an hour to receive one Metro ticket. Yet salvation arrives in the form of our favourite Tahitian/New Zealand resident Parisian homo – Christophe. 

He gallantly takes us to lunch where we gorge on rich steak and beautiful wine since our poor taste buds have been deprived of real food for so long.

Wander over to cousins to be accosted by her spawns. Two adorable yet highly ADD dysfunctional girls who get frustrated at my limited French yet adore me nonetheless.

The next day is a day of continuous wandering. As if reliving all three Lord of the Rings films, we just walk, endlessly taking in the incredible architecture, hideous smells and gorgeous men. Eye rape the same beautiful men as Christophe. As eyes are exhausted we slump down by the tragic Seine and attempt to sunbathe whilst repelling some randoms from across the way.

Wander yet again out to the Isle de la Cite in search of glorious patisseries then onto the St Michel Canal to gulp more replenishing ‘vin’ whilst never fully taking eyes off the aesthetically pleasing locals. However, the fact that we are both ridiculously socially inept in the ways of picking up, one wonders why we even bother.

That night we’re invited to a Swedish party full of Brit expats, the Shiny Jew Alice (her words) and Swedish Anna who makes the same type of meatballs I once had an Ikea in Toronto. Lovely bunch, genuine, funny and constantly intrigued at the epic failings that is Minga and Ginga’s lovelife (or lack thereof). We all curse Irish Boy and Darcy but realise Alice is the winner in the rejection stakes after some cunt had called her ‘the fat girl’. Decide Alice is new hero. We organise to crash Brit Russell’s date tomorrow night then stalk the girl on Facebook. Finish forth bottle of Vin.

“Le Marais (Jewish area) won’t be open Easter.  Oh no hang on, what do we care about more, religon or money? (pause) Yeah Le Marais will be open” –  Alice

Next time Part II

Enemy of the Month: Justin Bieber

  

After naming some truley horrendous enemies of the month, we thought we'd ease up a little.  So Biebz, you're no Netanyahu or Pauline Hanson, but you still freak us out.
 
NAME:  Justin 'I'm Not Aaron Carter reincarnated' Bieber.

NATIONALITY:   Not German apparently.

CATEGORIES OF OFFENCE:  Hideously banal pop music about love, parties and pyschadelic acid trips.  According to a source (for real, not just existentially) when Bieber was waiting to go through hordes of over-eager teens and unimpressed airport staff in New Zealand, he refused to wait for his mother.  Our source, the Adonis looking cop, told the Beeb, 'you're waiting for your mum, mate'.  Then some kid juiced up on Ritalin stole Bieber's cap and it was all over. 

THREAT LEVEL:  OMG / WTF level.  Possibly going for world domination judging by his album name 'My World' (geniusly subtle) and above video has had 190 million hits...holy Santa Claus!  Our youth will never be the same again.  (and that is all I will say about youth, because after a 9000 word essay on that fucking topic and now this goober, I'm done with youth!).  So young, yet so deadly.

IF YOU SEE THIS ENEMY:  Don't stress, let puberty do its dirty work.

Which Blatantly Racist Hollywood Character Are You?

Since our lovely cougar quiz proved to be so popular - well Harold in Colchester liked it, so big ups Harold- our quiz maestro monkey (aka Minga on a two week vodka binge forgoing showers and shaving), has decided to bring you another astonishingly accurate quiz that questions injustice and political in-correctness. 

Which Blatantly Racist Hollywood Character Are You?

1. What is your musical anthem?

a) Classical high opera to add that extra oomph to your slow motion death scene.

b) Music? Shit, you barely get a last name and costume change before you're tazed off set.

c) 'I Got Ho's In Different Area Codes', clearly the mastery of the wordplay and existentialist thematics make this a winner.

2. Your ideal date would be:

a) Yourself.  Because clearly no one else likes you and you can't afford to be picky.

b) Someone who also enjoys living on the edge and not knowing what tomorrow could bring - whether it's being mauled by mutated sharks or chain-sawed by an inbred lover of hockey masks.

c) The preppy boy/girl next door who understands that underneath your tough exterior lies a sissy soul who believes the words of Keats and Wordsworth have just as much relevance as Ludacris' 'Let me give you some swimming lessons on the penis/ Backstroke, breaststroke, stroke of a genius...Shake your money maker/Like somebody's bout to pay ya'

3. Your ideal holiday would be:

a) You believe it's the journey not the destination, particularly as you've never even made it off the plane/cruise ship/stolen submarine.

b) A nice cabin in hick country, an abandoned campsite by the lake or a rat infested brothel in central Saigon.

c) Holidays are only available to rich white folk who use the time to contemplate what they can do to help the world, then they get drunk and forget it all the next day.

4. Your biggest fear is:

a) Non-smokers.

b) Other ethnics - then you've got no chance.

c) Becoming a junkie/hustler/500 pounds overweight just like your mama/daddy/rapist uncle.

5. Your ideal goal is:

a) World domination.  Isn't everyone's?

b) To make it to the 3D sequel.

c) To prove that you are incredibly smart and work your arse off so you can get accepted into an Ivy league college and use that time to ...play football. 

Mostly A's:The Vengeful Arab/Russian

 

You put the guish in anguish.  Somebody did you wrong a while back and you've had personal beef (and unstable mania) since.  Often sporting an impressive moustache or intolerable hairpiece and high IQ, you're often brought down by your own narcissism and some beefed up white guy in a wifebeater.  More than often you're not actually the ethnicity you are playing and are forced to belt out some hideous fake accent to compensate.

See Gary Oldman in Air Force One, or any recent war on terror flicks with Minga's faux cousins.  Note: This does not include Alan Rickman in Die Hard, because a) he was German and b) He is Alan fucking Rickman, he can do no wrong.

Mostly B's: The Expendable Ethnic

You're the poor sod who gets killed off first.  That's it.  That's your job.  Enjoy.

See any slasher/horror flicks or action films set in 'Nam.

Mostly C's: The Poetic Gangster

You're often black or Latino from the wrong side of the tracks but with a heart of gold and remarkable IQ.  Your mama is a junkie, your daddy left when you were born and you got social services pounding on your door.  It's war on the streets and you're just a soldier, determined to get out but only with the aide of your all-knowing white teacher/fake mama with the heart of gold, armed only with a street smart leather jacket and football/English scholarship.  Just picture you rollin...  (ps Tupac totally did ballet and wrote poetry...hero).

See The Blind Side and the 50's film Blackboard Jungle - the first offender of those bullshit classroom dramas that keep coming back every two years like unavoidable fungi.

Of course these were just a few, there are plenty more fashionable racist characters, the Dumb Sex-Obsessed Exchange Student (think Kal Penn in Van Wilder or the fabulously named Long Duk Dong in 16 Candles), The Noble Native (Last of the Mohicans, Avatar, Indiana Jones), The Funny Fatty....the list is endless.  Oh Hollywood, don't go a changin'!

Repel of the Week: "Ne partez pas sans moi"

In this week's Repel of the Week, the names of the repeller, the (hot) repellee and the witness to the repel have obviously been changed, to protect their identities. Although Camilien was obviously me.

* * *

Ext. Montreal. A park home to a number of beavers. A sunny Sunday afternoon.

WALTERUS: Lydéric, this is my friend Camilien from France.

LYDERIC: Enchanté.

CAMILIEN: Enchanté.

LYDERIC (to CAMILIEN): So what brings you and your lovely blue eyes that look so much like my boyfriend's to Montreal?

CAMILIEN (coyly): Lots of things.

WALTERUS (to LYDERIC): Will you be coming out with us tonight?

LYDERIC: I will if Camilien's coming.

WALTERUS: Oh, he'll be there. The only thing that he's got planned for tomorrow is a trip to Charlemagne.

LYDERIC: Why?

WALTERUS: Because that's Céline Dion's hometown.

LYDERIC: But Camilien, you seemed cool.

CAMILIEN: But I am!

LYDERIC: I said seemED.

Exit LYDERIC.

Prince of Persia

A film such as this deserves only one quote (courtesy of Gladys):

"What a load of shit.  No Persian's hair is ever that tame."

The Last Living Slut

Another shameless plug for a Sandwich friend, Roxana Shirazi who has written a fabulously raunchy book, The Last Living Slut: Born In Iran, Bred Backstage, detailing her sex-ploitations with some rather famous rock stars.  Including one loveable story involving Top Ginga nominee Axel 'no one can wear bike shorts as tight as these' Rose.  

Read the interview with her here at NY Daily News.  Go on buy it, she's awesome and Axel needs some press.

Top 5 Gingas

Since my beautiful Ginga is leaving me once again to whore herself out to the cretins of the film industry whilst possibly scoring some Third World intern, I thought it fitting to bid her farewell with a list of Top 5 Ginga's of the World.

Oh wife, you will be missed.  Just a little.  Then I'll get over it and forget you ever existed.

So here we go.  (forgetting those self hating Ginga deniers, Lohan and Kidman we're looking at you).

5.  Ron Weasley

Oh Ron, the loveable, slightly dim witted sidekick to Glady's boyfriend Harry Potter.  Obviously not as molest-worthy as Schwarzkoff poster-child Cedric Diggory, nor as awesome as uber-geek Neville Longbottom, yet Ron proves that you can still be loveable after six instalments of films about kids and wands.  You hear that Hermione? 

4. Julianne Moore

I think this was a given.  She is the Ginga Goddess of Ginger Goodness.  Gingas and plebs alike bow down to her awesomeness that oozes out of every orifice.  She is like a demi-God from Mount Gingompus.  Sent down by Zeus, the bearded Ginge, as a sign of his master-piece in aesthetic wonders.  She turns rivers into gold, hate into love, and grown mammals weep at the mere sight of her. 

3. Elizabeth 1 right through to Prince Harry

 

Elizabeth 1 not only survived being the child of Fatty the 8th, but she reigned the British Empire for over 40 years, kicked Spain's arse and said no to marriage, all that with an impressive Ginga fro. 

If you have ever visited the National Portrait Gallery in London, you will realise that all those jokes and mere musings regarding the incest that exists within Royal families, is rather true. And why would you want to breed with blonde or brunette degenerates and risk losing your magnificent Ginga genes?  They didn't and right through the centuries, Ginga monarchs have ruled, right through to Prince Harry - the cool, edgy, Nazi costume wearing one.  Respect.

2. The Gingerbread Man

GINGEEE!!! Three words: Gum drop buttons.   Oh we heart you Gingerbread man, don't go changing (or get eaten).

1.  Catherine Tate

Some of you may argue against British comedian and all-round lele, Catherine Tate being our numero uno.  To that I say, no haters allowed, holla to my bitches and hoes, Tate is bringing Ginga back.  Hero, saviour and hardcore advocater of Ginga rights, she is like the Karl Marx of Gingas everywhere, shouting her cries for Ginga equality, appealing to the Ginga masses for unity 'Be a ginger, not a Whinger!'.
If you need more assurance just watch the video below, or if you'd prefer to skip the pleasantries, go on and sex a Ginga here.

David Cameron is new UK Prime Minister

The Queen's reaction says it all. 

Where's My Freakin' Film Haiku? Daybreakers

A Sandwich Haiku for Ethan Hawke

You, as a vampire

Is like the perfect combo

of righteousness. Oh!

Your creepy eyes alone

Could sing the world into peace

With love, fangs and fags.

'Cause in this movie

You smoked for Africa

And wooed us away.

Enemy of the Month: US Government Especially You, Arizona.

 [JK Rowling's evil doppelganger]

NAME:  The US government regarding the ongoing pile of bullocks that is Guantanamo 'I'm still open?' Bay and on another racist issue, Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona.

NATIONALITY:  Definitely not Hispanic nor Arab.  Plus possibly not American - if certain unhinged extremists got their way regarding Obama and his 'mysterious' birth certificate.  oooooohhh snap! 

CATEGORIES OF OFFENCE:  According to Amnesty International's new report, Obama's new rules for G Bay:  Even if the defendants are found NOT GUILTY, they can still be held indefinitely.  Yes, even if in a trial they are found NOT guilty, they can still be locked up.  This goes against every type of democratic law that the US is supposedly signed up to.  Even cockroaches on the ground are looking up gobsmacked.  COCKROACHES!  They have the word cock in them and they're in shock!  *haemerrage Minga*.......

Ok, recovered.  Moving on to Jan 'my wig still has a heartbeat' Brewer of Arizona who signed a bill regarding immigration in an attempt to stop illegal immigration.  It allows police to stop people they think 'suspicious' and demand them to show their legal documents.  Even Republicans John McCain and Karl Rove (who worked for BUSH) say it's wrong.  BUSH! 

THREAT LEVEL:  High for anyone who is ethnic cuz let's face it, us coloured folk all lookalike.  What's that now?  Where are my papers Boss?  I forgot them!  Like you did with segregation, apartheid and the Third Reich.  (yeah I went there, don't hate). 

IF YOU SEE THIS ENEMY:  As one hairy Yeti said it, may another repeat it:  Minorities of the world, UNITE!! 

Oh so much hatred and rage.  Let's take it to one of our heroes of all time, Tina Fey.  May she christen our loveable blog with her rage, we heart you Liz Lemon.