Where's My Freakin' Sandwich?: Where's My Freakin' Letters? The XY Version

Here at Sandwich, we don't get mail. Ever. So we've resorted to stealing other publications' correspondence and answered them ourselves. This week we took a tumble down the male rabbit hole (eh?) and sabotaged sincere letters to that horrid publication Maxim.

Dear Maxim,

Every time I play World of Warcraft I always create a female character. I am currently leveling up my NightElf Druid, do I have issues with my gender? Am I a women inside? or am I wish all women look like my NightElf?

Posted by Beau

Dearest Beau,

With such a name as yours, we are not surprised to find that you are no stranger to the ways of the female sex. In fact, as you boldly state, you are not one, but many women on the inside. To that we are in awe of your powers, that you defied both science and the Universe itself, and have many oestrogen fuelled vaginas within that one male body.

Just like your beloved WoW (World of Warcraft to you plebs), there is a whole massive multiplayer online roleplaying game within you! Imagine the possibilities! The absolute power, the tremendous force, the unbelievable cramps and body conscience issues.

We say embrace the MMORG within Beau, or in your own exquisite tongue, (Gandalfx, the level 69 Male Blood Elf Mage) 1. General - Ding Level 70!

Dear Maxim,

I've had this female friend for a long time, since elementary and she games a lot. We're both in college now and one night she was over at my dorm and we were just playing Halo 3 and I was kind of drunk.

Well what happened was that she was just dominating in the matches regularly coming in first. During the 5th or 6th match after she was cleaning house, I leaned in and attempted to kiss her. I don't know maybe it was seeing her dominating other guys in the games and regularly beating me that kind of got me "hot" for her I guess.

Well right away she moved back and asked what the **** I was doing and I just stammered something about wanting to make out or something. And I guess she took offense and left.

Dear HC (intriguing man of mystery…assuming you are a man, for clearly who else would read Maxim, except for desperate fake-journos who need to research for faux-letters from desperate males who have not yet let puberty go and still need women in bikini’s to provoke any type of thought process…)

Dude, two words: Halo 3. Honestly I’m surprised either one of you ever gets laid.

Dear Maxim,

What do you think about long-distance relationships? By long-distance, I mean, REALLY long-distance (as in another country at least 12 hours of flight away)? If two people love each other, do you think it is possible for that love to last forever and for these people to eventually find a way to each other even if they don't manage to always be faithful to each other during these times of trial? Do you think that love can conquer any distance and any hardship? Thanks :) – Anon

Darcy? Is that you? Oh my loins, I knew we had a connection! I knew it! Oh woe! Love IS blind! And deluded, and false, and dating some other girl.