Which Blatantly Racist Hollywood Character Are You?

Since our lovely cougar quiz proved to be so popular - well Harold in Colchester liked it, so big ups Harold- our quiz maestro monkey (aka Minga on a two week vodka binge forgoing showers and shaving), has decided to bring you another astonishingly accurate quiz that questions injustice and political in-correctness. 

Which Blatantly Racist Hollywood Character Are You?

1. What is your musical anthem?

a) Classical high opera to add that extra oomph to your slow motion death scene.

b) Music? Shit, you barely get a last name and costume change before you're tazed off set.

c) 'I Got Ho's In Different Area Codes', clearly the mastery of the wordplay and existentialist thematics make this a winner.

2. Your ideal date would be:

a) Yourself.  Because clearly no one else likes you and you can't afford to be picky.

b) Someone who also enjoys living on the edge and not knowing what tomorrow could bring - whether it's being mauled by mutated sharks or chain-sawed by an inbred lover of hockey masks.

c) The preppy boy/girl next door who understands that underneath your tough exterior lies a sissy soul who believes the words of Keats and Wordsworth have just as much relevance as Ludacris' 'Let me give you some swimming lessons on the penis/ Backstroke, breaststroke, stroke of a genius...Shake your money maker/Like somebody's bout to pay ya'

3. Your ideal holiday would be:

a) You believe it's the journey not the destination, particularly as you've never even made it off the plane/cruise ship/stolen submarine.

b) A nice cabin in hick country, an abandoned campsite by the lake or a rat infested brothel in central Saigon.

c) Holidays are only available to rich white folk who use the time to contemplate what they can do to help the world, then they get drunk and forget it all the next day.

4. Your biggest fear is:

a) Non-smokers.

b) Other ethnics - then you've got no chance.

c) Becoming a junkie/hustler/500 pounds overweight just like your mama/daddy/rapist uncle.

5. Your ideal goal is:

a) World domination.  Isn't everyone's?

b) To make it to the 3D sequel.

c) To prove that you are incredibly smart and work your arse off so you can get accepted into an Ivy league college and use that time to ...play football. 

Mostly A's:The Vengeful Arab/Russian

 

You put the guish in anguish.  Somebody did you wrong a while back and you've had personal beef (and unstable mania) since.  Often sporting an impressive moustache or intolerable hairpiece and high IQ, you're often brought down by your own narcissism and some beefed up white guy in a wifebeater.  More than often you're not actually the ethnicity you are playing and are forced to belt out some hideous fake accent to compensate.

See Gary Oldman in Air Force One, or any recent war on terror flicks with Minga's faux cousins.  Note: This does not include Alan Rickman in Die Hard, because a) he was German and b) He is Alan fucking Rickman, he can do no wrong.

Mostly B's: The Expendable Ethnic

You're the poor sod who gets killed off first.  That's it.  That's your job.  Enjoy.

See any slasher/horror flicks or action films set in 'Nam.

Mostly C's: The Poetic Gangster

You're often black or Latino from the wrong side of the tracks but with a heart of gold and remarkable IQ.  Your mama is a junkie, your daddy left when you were born and you got social services pounding on your door.  It's war on the streets and you're just a soldier, determined to get out but only with the aide of your all-knowing white teacher/fake mama with the heart of gold, armed only with a street smart leather jacket and football/English scholarship.  Just picture you rollin...  (ps Tupac totally did ballet and wrote poetry...hero).

See The Blind Side and the 50's film Blackboard Jungle - the first offender of those bullshit classroom dramas that keep coming back every two years like unavoidable fungi.

Of course these were just a few, there are plenty more fashionable racist characters, the Dumb Sex-Obsessed Exchange Student (think Kal Penn in Van Wilder or the fabulously named Long Duk Dong in 16 Candles), The Noble Native (Last of the Mohicans, Avatar, Indiana Jones), The Funny Fatty....the list is endless.  Oh Hollywood, don't go a changin'!