Where's My Freakin' Letters? Dear Nick Jonas

Here at Sandwich, we don't get mail. Ever. So we've resorted to stealing other publications' correspondence and answered them ourselves. This week we took a page out of the abyss of disillusionment and disappointment that is, the celebrity fan mail.  (Yes, these are real and yes, Minga is now severely traumatised from finding these, particularly as some of the letters she found were from women who are OLDER than her).

Dear Nick Jonas,

Will you be my prom date?  Oh you wear suits so well!  Sigh.  He looks just like a modern day Beatle! 

Dearest Fan of the non-awesome-eyebrowed Jonas,

Have you ever seen a Beatle?

 

I rest my case.

Dear Rob Pattinson,

Rob I sat down to write about you and nothing came cause, surprised you’re MIA! Maybe you got sucked into the volcano when it erupted or maybe you’re in your parents basement on another 3 day game and drinking bender but whatever the reason, there’s NOTHING going on...

Well, I’ve put together a short list of things that you might think about doing in order to make your fans happy...

• “Accidentally” release a sex tape. Everyone’s doing it.  I don’t even care who it’s with.  Let’s face it, no one would be looking at the girl (or the guy).

• Talk with David Slade about releasing ANYTHING Eclipse related. Seriously, what’s with this guy?

Dearest Lover of the Man with the Magnificent Mane,

Though the image of someone actually getting physically sucked into a volcano would make an excellently bad Bay/Heimer film, with said person being Shia 'The Beef' LaBoeuf, the rest of your letter intrigued and disturbed me.  Disturbed because:  have you ever seen a sex tape?  They're not pretty.  They're not hot.

I once saw two turtles having sex at London Zoo and I felt rather nauseated.  Was it like Sartre, in that I was somehow having an existential moment and within that turtles grasp, found my own self and thus felt nauseated?  The same can be said when I had to watch porn (yes had to, some of us make a weird living).  Yet, I felt no philosophical question beckoning me, I just felt the nausea and boredom.  So in conclusion, watching others have sex, unless you're involved (Christophe can probably educate you on that one), is not good for your body, mentally and physically.  

Secondly, I think I can answer for both myself and Ginga and agree with you on David Slade.  What the hell IS up with that guy?  We can sadly testify that he is also an avid fan of sandwiches, even if they have been 'accidentally' dropped on the floor (which inspired our magnificent blog name).  

Dude definitely has said 'short man syndrome', in that he is so short, he can actually fit his own head up his own arse.  (This is all again coming from experience in the pit of hell that is the film set caste system...but again we digress). 

[For Jon Stewart]