The Legendary Brigitte Fontaine

Yesterday was a special day. Some would consider it to have been the first day of my old age.

What better way to usher in my twilight decades than to pay tribute to Brigitte Fontaine. She is virtually unknown in the English-speaking world, and not even particularly well known in the French-speaking world. This is a great tragedy. She's a true artist. Minga would love and want to be her.

I want to share a little Brigitte with you: 'Prohibition', a song written by her hubby, Areski, and that you'll find the clip for here.

The lyrics are basically impossible to translate, but here's my attempt:

The card that proved my many years

Reduced the bastards all to tears

Each one of them of a haughty sod

Regaling at my kick-ass bod

[CHORUS:]

This old girl says suck her cock

So little time left on her clock

So cute with her dragonfly

She'll be forgot and then she'll die

Just move along, you creepy twat

The buffet-wagon's where it's at

I'll go and smoke a fag or two

All nice and quiet in the loo

There's prohibition everywhere

There's trash and fags and pockets bare

They're boozing up now on TV

And ageing there for all to see

There's prohibition everywhere

You wonder why they even care

Though they talk, write and fornicate

No jizz for you, you're sixty, mate

[CHORUS]

If you're infirmed, you gotta go

Unless of course you've got the dough

You'll just be tossed into a ditch

Compassion's only for the rich

Guess what they've got in stall for me

A home in perpetuity

Never to see the light of day

If ever I should lose my way

Let me tell you what I've planned

How I will find my promised land

It's sex and drugs and rock and roll

There's nothing better for the soul

This old girl says suck her cock

No law, no faith, no fluffy flock

Her dragonfly awaits a kiss

Her cause of death will be her bliss.

Je suis vieille, et je vous... embrasse...

Como tú sabes amar…

Here at Sandwich, we like to think of ourselves as citizens of the world. Quite frankly, I like to think of myself as the most diverse of all of us, as a cousin to all the world’s homos, Czechs, French, Polynesians and Spanish.

Recently, I’ve been enjoying connecting to my Spanish (or rather Hispanic) heritage. In particular, I must thank a dear friend from Ecuador who introduced me to the wonder that is Sharon la Hechicera, or Sharon the Enchantress. For your information, no, she is my cousin because she is Hispanic, not because she is a mujer con sorpresa. Sharon, I'm a better maricón for knowing you.

"Don't [Let Me Repel You]"

It's been some time since I contributed to this blog, which I was blackmailed into contributing to. Time to end my participation paucity for a more positive reason.

I doubt that it will come as any surprise to you that I LOVE the Pointer Sisters. I remember when they released the single 'Don't Walk Away'. It wasn't having the runaway chart success that some DJ felt they richly deserved, and he made this known.

Reflecting not so long ago (and for God knows what reason) on that particular moment in the early 1990s, I made a promise to myself: upon learning that Sandwich had received more hits than the (non-live version of the) 'Don't Walk Away' video on-line, I would commemorate the moment (of bittersweet triumph) with a Pointer Sisters-related post.

So here it is. 'Don't Walk Away'. Enjoy:

My Own Private Sandwich

Once again your Sandwich whores are busy, attempting multiple repels, molesting random Austrian backpackers, avoiding Danish ones.  So here is another fabulous video find courtesy of Minga's Ultimate Porno, 'My Own Private Idaho' (though to be honest, we were a bit jipped as Keanu and River barely got it on...*sigh*).

Bring it on Hans....

Miss Universe 2010

My mentor, guru and ultimate dinner guest nominee, Chris Rock, once noted how he does not believe in The Stripper Myth, that strippers strip to pay their way through college.  He proudly asks, "Then how come I never got a smart lapdance?  How come I never got a girl going, 'ever since the end of the Cold War, I'm finding NATO obsolete'..."

So why are we bringing the idea of strippers and obsoletes under the Miss Universe umbrella?  Because Minga was forced to watch the god forsaken atrocity that is the Miss Universe pageant last night and cannot for the life of her understand why this hideous excuse for a cosmetic surgery orgy is still around.  Here's my beef on why it has and always will be, wrong:

1.  There is obviously a cosmetic surgeon monopoly on the girls.  They all lookalike.  You tell me how the Filipino looks half black, half Middle Eastern???

2.  It's owned by Donald Trump.  Dude who brags about his wealth but really is not that rich in comparison to the big honchos.  It's like comparing Lindsay Lohan to Robert Downey Jnr.  Yeah she did coke, but Downey probably helped raise the GDP of the entire nation of Colombia.

3.  Is it just me or does the show get more boring and banal?  Perhaps the contestants could walk in their swimsuits whilst reciting some Sartre?  Perhaps they could act out scenes from the books of Marquis de Sade whilst dressed in their national garb?  Perhaps they should unban the eligibility of trans-sexuals and stop accepting Singapore as a real country?  

4.  Do you think because she is named Miss UNIVERSE, once her reign ends, they shove her into a secret test rocket to send into outer space with hopes of running into an alien lifeforce?  Because first impressions count and perhaps if the aliens believe that all of humanity looks like this they might be more inclined to make contact?  Then again silicon would be such a waste in space where gravity is non-existent.  

5.  In conclusion, just like strippers, Miss Universe is cliched, desperate and wastes a lot of money, and just like NATO, it should definitely become obsolete.

Speaking of other fabulously ridiculous things that should not see the light of day again, our fashionable part time Sandwich wench, Titan Lover, found us this hilarious video. 

Hero of the Month: Joaquin Phoenix

So many things could be said, but we feel that this video is enough to make Joaquin "I'm going to marry Minga because River promised and failed" Phoenix our prestigious Hero of the Month...and subsequently Yeti of the Year (take note R-Patz).....All bow down....

Annual Sandwich Choice Awards

After enjoying another ravishing Saturday night watching the epic odyssey that is the horrific Teen Choice Awards, Minga and her accomplice in all things sad, Chinga, enjoyed the delightfully super specific and irrelevant awards categories, such as:

Teen Choice Award for Masturbating Whilst Your Hot Gay Poet Lover Shags His Desperate Girlfriend in Front of You:

Robert Pattinson in Little Ashes.

 

Since here at Sandwich we're all for plagiarising, we thought we'd start our own Annual Sandwich Choice Awards.  Enjoy and please vote (can you guess the Supreme Sandwich Winner?)

 

 The French and Saunders Award for French and Saunders:

French and Saunders.   

 poll by twiigs.com

Top Google Searches

So Google analytics is rather awesome.  So are the keywords that people use in Google search  in order to find some sort of enlightenment in this twisted, over-saturated Internet world.  However some poor bastards are refused that enlightenment and instead are directed to this sad excuse for a blog. 

Interesting what you people are trying to find, interesting and hilarious.  Here they are (for real!) : 

The Top Most Awesome Search Keywords That Bring You to Sandwich Glory

10. Sandwich stereotypes

9. Aladdin porn or Aladdin sex scene or Aladdin shirtless

8. Is Lestat de Lioncourt racist? Is Tony Blair damned?

7. How to bum cigarettes in Paris

6.  Woman, where's my freakin' sandwich?

5. Sexiest Sandwich

4.  My jizz tube.

3. Prince Carl Philip + trouser braces

2. Horny Ginga Minga

And the number one most AWESOME keyword search that brings you to casa de Sandwich is...

1. Super Mutated Epic Llama

                                           

Top 5 Reasons New Zealand is Better Than Australia

Yeah you read right cretins.   This is the mother of all lists.  In 1993 it would be the Mac Daddy of all lists.  In classical Greece, it would be the Illiad of all lists.  If it were a tasteless vomit-like burger, it would be the Whopper of all lists.  BRING. IT.  Rachinga, this is dedicated to you, you third-caste Aussie-German-S'porean wench.

5.

For every Goddess like Cate Blanchett, you then have a handful of excessively hideous villains like Pauline Hanson, Mel Gibson, John Howard and that douche Lleyton Hewitt.  

4. There's a popular saying in Middle Earth, 'support NZ or any team playing against Australia'.  This has nothing to do with athleticism or nationalism (Minga's two worst enemies) but the monstrosity that is the Australian national colours.  Observe and recoil in horror:

3.  Australia was founded by criminals and social rejects of the UK, who were sent there, often by force, to carry out their sentence in this new found world.  New Zealand was founded by those criminals and social rejects of Australia who were deemed mentally insane.  In the Sandwich book of who's cooler, crazy people would be Ice Cold.

 [alright so he was Aussie, we'll give you that one]

 2.

 [Australia}

 [New Zealand]

List of things that can literally KILL you in Australia:

Giant bugs

Snakes

Crocodiles

Sharks

The Sun

Other Aussies

List of things that can kill you in NZ:

Possible overload of love and licks by fluffy kittens and puppies.

1.

 

Australia is obviously so good that Rachinga decided to instead get a UK passport and gain UK residency.  Ohhh diplomatic burn.

Haiku for Gucci

Haiku for Gucci.

Your ads are the reason

I can stand my job.

Otherwise I would

Torch the place down whilst watching

With a fag in hand.

Splash.