Yo Blair!

As you may or may not be aware, Mr Tony Blair, former British Prime Minister and former George W BFF, will face the Iraq Inquiry tonight and answer questions about the decision to go to war in Iraq back in 2003.   He will face a panel and a ballot-winning audience, including family members of Britons killed in Iraq during the war.  We're hoping there will also be some shoe throwers and purple condom missiles too.  Talk about awkward. 

Of course, Sandwich here, will bring you an exclusive meet and greet with Mr Blair, where we will discuss politics, war with the Bearded One, butch wives and why the most famous bromance in the world ended.  Until then, enjoy this:

The Proust Questionaire: Adolf Hitler

French writer Marcel Proust popularised personality questionaires in the 19th Century and now they're all the rage, from that goober Lipton in the Actor's Studio, to the back pages of Vanity Fair.  Here at Sandwich, we've taken it to the next level and asked Monsieur Hitler to take the plunge into his inner self...

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Playing with my dog Blondi, invading countries, killing innocents and singing songs from Cabaret when no one’s watching.  I adore Liza. 

What is your greatest fear?
Invalids, homos, Commies, Gypsies and Jews. 

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
 Being too generous.  And having syphilis. 

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Being too invalid, homo, Commie, gypsy and Jewish. 

Which living person do you most admire?
Goebbels – sex on a stick. 

What is your greatest extravagance?
1936 Olympic Games and La Mer beauty products for my skin – smooth like an (Aryan, Protestant, German) babies bottom! 

What is your current state of mind?
Passive aggressive. 

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Dedication, loyalty, soft hands and dreamy eyes, i.e. Goebbels. 

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Suicidal. 

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Heil Myself. 

When and where were you happiest?
When I kicked Bonaparte’s arse by winning World’s Next Top Dictator.  I’m so humbled. 

Who are your favorite writers?
The Passing of the Great Race by Madison Grant and Paradise Lost by Milton.  I am also an avid fan of The Twilight Saga – Team Jacob forever! 

Which talent would you most like to have?
Does fascism count as a talent?  Because I could win gold medals in that one – right Napoleon? 

                                                   [With Goebbels in happier times]

 Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Dr Faustus. 

Who are your heroes in real life?
Goebbels.  BFF’s for life.  A real life Ennis and Jake… 

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Invading Poland and growing this spectacular ‘tache! 

Where would you like to live?
Deutschland, of course.  And possibly Vichy in the South of France – I’ve heard the women there are easy. 

What is your most treasured possession?
My framed Time cover Man of the Year (suck on it Bonaparte) and my signed corset taken from Liza Minneli’s dressing room.  I like to wear it when hoovering.  (Vacuuming) 

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Being rejected from art school – TWICE.  That was very emotionally scarring, especially for such a fragile artist like me. 

What do you most value in your friends?
Friends are stupid and take things too personally when you break supposed non-aggression pacts.  Stalin, I’m looking at you, you big Nancy. 

What are your favorite names?
Hans, Joseph and Goebbels. 

What is it that you most dislike?
Cruelty to animals.  We should all applaud organizations like PETA. 

What is your greatest regret?
Going to the premiere of Schindler’s List – God that was awkward.  

How would you like to die?
I feel the word ‘like’ should be omitted from this question. 

What is your motto?
Ich leibe dich, Goebbels.*

Signed: 


*We are, of course, not condemning our poor homos by suggesting that one of the most ‘evil’ men in history swung their way.  But this guy is.

 If you'd like to bestow your own greatness upon the Proust Questionaire universe, present your own answers here.

Repel of the Week: The Englishman who Couldn't

INT. PARIS. THE MARAIS. PRETENTIOUSLY MODEST HANGOUT FOR THE PSEUDO-BOHEMIAN RIGHT-MINDED UNEMPLOYED (Llamame!).

A Frenchman and an Englishman catch each other's eye. Frenchman moves toward Englishman. They introduce themselves to each other and talk (out of earshot). Frenchman buys Englishman several drinks. Englishman recoils at each vile whiff of virility emanating from Frenchman but, enfeebled by the watery beer, submits to a snog.

An hour later, Englishman and a Woman catch each other's eye. Englishman moves toward Woman. They introduce themselves to each other and talk (out of ear shot). Englishman buys Woman several drinks. Woman doesn't recoil at him (although she should) or the vinegar-y wine and submits to a snog.

Twenty-four hours later, Englishman and Frenchwoman catch each other's eye.

ENGLISHMAN: Hello there! This is my friend, *****.

The Englishman motions to *****.

WOMAN: Nice to meet you.

ENGLISHMAN: I gave [*****] your number.

WOMAN: Why?

ENGLISHMAN: Because he likes women like you.

WOMAN: What do you mean, "like me"?

ENGLISHMAN: Oh, you know.

WOMAN: No. Enlighten me.

ENGLISHMAN: Like you.

Englishman outlines the curves of a voluptuous woman with his fingers.

A Homo enters. Woman is relieved. Englishman babbles on about something or other.

ENGLISHMAN: Yeah, I'm not that much of a family man. I only see my father when I need money....

More babbling.

ENGLISHMAN: Yeah, children are my life....

More babbling.

ENGLISHMAN: Yeah, I earn several thousand euros a month....

More babbling.

ENGLISHMAN: Yeah, I'm bad in bed.

HOMO: You shouldn't say that. How do you know anyway?

ENGLISHMAN: I can't get it up....

More babbling.

ENGLISHMAN: Yeah, a while ago, I used to pick up all the time, but recently, I've only had sex with prostitutes....

More babbling.

ENGLISHMAN: Yeah, I'm an asshole....

WOMAN: In my experience, men who say that usually are.

More babbling. Englishman leaves. Woman and Homo talk between themselves.

WOMAN: [Englishman] is a creep, but [Frenchman] is so camp that it turns me on.

Where's My Freakin' Letters? The XY Version

Here at Sandwich, we don't get mail. Ever. So we've resorted to stealing other publications' correspondence and answered them ourselves. This week we took a tumble down the male rabbit hole (eh?) and sabotaged sincere letters to that horrid publication Maxim.  

Dear Maxim, 

Every time I play World of Warcraft I always create a female character. I am currently leveling up my NightElf Druid, do I have issues with my gender? Am I a women inside? or am I wish all women look like my NightElf?

Posted by Beau

Dearest Beau,

With such a name as yours, we are not surprised to find that you are no stranger to the ways of the female sex.  In fact, as you boldly state, you are not one, but many women on the inside.  To that we are in awe of your powers, that you defied both science and the Universe itself, and have many oestrogen fuelled vaginas within that one male body. 

Just like your beloved WoW (World of Warcraft to you plebs), there is a whole massive multiplayer online roleplaying game within you!  Imagine the possibilities!  The absolute power, the tremendous force, the unbelievable cramps and body conscience issues. 

We say embrace the MMORG within Beau, or in your own exquisite tongue, (Gandalfx, the level 69 Male Blood Elf Mage) 1. General - Ding Level 70!

Dear Maxim, 

I've had this female friend for a long time, since elementary and she games a lot. We're both in college now and one night she was over at my dorm and we were just playing Halo 3 and I was kind of drunk.

Well what happened was that she was just dominating in the matches regularly coming in first. During the 5th or 6th match after she was cleaning house, I leaned in and attempted to kiss her. I don't know maybe it was seeing her dominating other guys in the games and regularly beating me that kind of got me "hot" for her I guess.

Well right away she moved back and asked what the **** I was doing and I just stammered something about wanting to make out or something. And I guess she took offense and left.

HC

Dear HC (intriguing man of mystery…assuming you are a man, for clearly who else would read Maxim, except for desperate fake-journos who need to research for faux-letters from desperate males who have not yet let puberty go and still need women in bikini’s to provoke any type of thought process…)

Dude, two words: Halo 3.  Honestly I’m surprised either one of you ever gets laid. 

Dear Maxim, 

What do you think about long-distance relationships? By long-distance, I mean, REALLY long-distance (as in another country at least 12 hours of flight away)? If two people love each other, do you think it is possible for that love to last forever and for these people to eventually find a way to each other even if they don't manage to always be faithful to each other during these times of trial? Do you think that love can conquer any distance and any hardship? Thanks :) – Anon

Darcy? Is that you?  Oh my loins, I knew we had a connection!  I knew it!  Oh woe!  Love IS blind!  And deluded, and false, and dating some other girl. 

In conclusion, let us not hate these lost souls, but let us divert all that hatred upon this woman, who clearly deserves it.  

Repel of the Week: Vengeance Edition

If you're an avid fan of Sandwich (which I know for a fact one of you is, mainly because you are contracted to be due to genetics, GLADYS, I'm looking at you), you will know we have an unusual perseverance in the art of repelling and continually aim to bring you the latest act of repellance that one of us has undertaken.

Following this, a good friend of Minga's found this wonderous bit of contemporary art in Barcelona and consequently thought of her. 

So, like above, in the many times we face rejection and repel others, we should vow to take vengeance upon them by writing them a really good hate letter.  Observe: If you, like this heroic artist, have been rejected from some degenerate fascist hater, take heed and write to them. 

"Dear BBC, I hate you.  Love Minga". 

You could even get more creative, "Dear British Broadcasting Cunts, I hate you and wish your loins to be infected by a thousand burning STD's for all eternity.  Love Minga."

Or even possibly to a repelled lover?

"Dear Ex-Lover, I hate you.  So does your new girlfriend/boyfriend, because s/he told me last night after we shagged in your bed.  Now you both have crabs.  Love _____"

Cover Story - Fatty the 8th

Where's My Freakin' Film Review? Paranormal Activity

"Hair raising and chilling!" The Guardian

"Hands down, the scariest, most terrifying movie of the year" Hollywood Independent

"You'll enjoy giving birth to a T-Rex and eating your own back hair before you enjoy this" Wheresmyfreakinsandwich.blogspot.com

                                         [even they've passed out from their own boredom)

Did you ever see The Happening in which people began killing themselves, like throwing themselves into lions' dens or under lawnmowers (for real!) whilst Mark Wahlberg and that giant eyed Zooey chick run around like mad trying to figure it all and in the end you realise it was some toxic chemical produced by plants? The culprits were the trees that made people kill themselves - TREES!  And to top it off, the biggest irony was that contrary to the title nothing actually happens in The Happening?  

Paranormal decided to join in that sedate-and-bore club but tries to justify it by using the Blair Witch methodology of mocu-real digital film making - 'real found footage!' 'of real people!' 'of a real story!' which works wonders for publicity (cue over hyped, bull-douchery reviews) but fails miserably with the actual product.

The film follows an American couple who, convinced they are being haunted in their own home, decide to record their lives on tape to prove if indeed there is any paranormal activity (cleverrrrr).

But of course not much happens except for some banal dialogue, boring acting and some shoddy cheap thrills - but all near the end, after you've already stopped caring and drifted off to dreamland, where you are a brooding Goddess and Adrian Brody and his magnificent nose, feed you grapes as you recline in your velvet chaise.

aaahhhh........

                                              [His King can invade our Kong anytime...)

What was my point?  Right, movie sucked.  Remember.

Ruf mich!

The obviously rhetorical question that Ginga and Minga put earlier today - who knew Germans can be funny AND hot - just as obviously got me thinking about the funny and/or hot Germans that I know of.

First, funny. A word that applies - if you ask me - to beleaguered German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Serious. My proof? Not too long ago, Nicolas Sarkozy (known in the Anglo-Saxon press as the "hyperactive" French president and in the French press as the "bling bling" president) had a meeting with Traian Basescu, the Romanian president, to sign a partnership. Traian lent Nicolas a pen to sign the document with. Nicolas took a liking to pen and, after copping a couple of pervs (at the pen), asked Traian if he could keep it - of course, Traian did what he had to do. And, not too long afterwards, so did Angela, "for [Nicolas's] collection."

Now for the best part: hot. Personified in at least two German politicians that I know of. One is Cem Ozdemir, co-leader of the German Greens:

The other (if you like your boys a bit more mature) is Klaus Wowereit, who, as it happens, is the mayor of... Berlin:

Disclaimer: Of course, if there's a German that my heart will always belong to, it is - as Ginga and Minga know - **** ******, tax partner at ****** *******. Sei ganz lieb gedrückt! You know who you are.

Travel Piece - Berlin in Bullet Points

Here at Sandwich we consider ourselves citizens of the world, eternal nomads and intellectually driven adventurers on a quest to find the ultimate enlightenment through the process of world travel.  In other words, we liked Europe and are willing to marry for passports.

BERLIN...IN BULLET POINTS.

• Free Walking Tour surpasses awesome. They should be given Nobel prizes for their efforts in Marxist styled tours where you only pay in tips which work wonderfully for the eternally unemployed like us. P.S Ben the tour guide art student from Maine with the really twight pants – rufen Sie mich an!

• Checkpoint Charlie = Disneyland of the DDR

• The Wall (Mauer) is everywhere. Well its remains. It’s even mapped out in flat stones all around Berlin proving just how unhinged the allies and Soviets were.

• Minga can’t speak Deutsch to save herself.

• Aussies don’t know how to dress. Wearing sweatpants and cleavage popping singlets whilst complaining about your horrid hangover is NOT cool when you’re at the Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp.

• In fact, Aussies should be banned from travelling as they’ve done the unthinkable – surpassed even the Yanks in the ‘most hideously annoying and vapid tourist’ category. Yep, I said it.

• Aroma Coffee Chain is apparently ‘the enemy’ according to Israeli tourist.

• Don’t say ‘Jüden’ out loud.

• Hobos don’t speak English.

• Best Deutsch cigarettes are F6, not ‘gay’ Davidoff according to fit tobacco boy (again call me!)

• German Opera is way kühl  – particularly as you have no idea what’s going on.

• Hitler’s bunker and final suicide place is below a carpark – just how they’d like to remember him by.

• German History Museum kicks British Museum arse.

• Lady at the German Film Museum is completely bi-polar and needs to stay on her meds.

• Number of Daniel Bruhl molestings = 0 (Epic Fail).

• Beautiful boys EVERYWHERE donning Jimmy Dean quiffs and black rimmed glasses. Who knew Germans can be funny AND hot. If you don’t believe us, watch this: