8 Literary Characters We'd Like to Shag

Here at Sandwich HQ we like to take the edge off writing hardcore serious pieces that have consumed our blood, sweat and tears for the past month (often resulting in various mental breakdowns, vodka binges and general aversion to people) and instead write a fun, light hearted list for pleasure - serious pleasure. Enjoy and please add any future list title suggestions in comments.

Our list today is in celebration of classic and famous literary characters we'd like to shag.  This is in response to a similar list, where the author of the list was obviously on crack and completely asexual, because who in their right mind would shag Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the goddamn Rye yet not include Dorian Gray?  Honestly, people get your priorities sorted.  We have. 

 8 TODD WILKINS/BRUCE PATMAN - Sweet Valley High by Francine Pascal

 Whether you're the type who fell for the boy-next-door, closeted homo with an amazing hair quiff  or the preppy egomaniac with the 80's sportscar and rapist wit, these guys make it to our list. Though Patman over here, looks uncannily like the love-child of Zac Efron and Paris Hilton... let's hope that we are never exposed to such atrocities (i.e Hilton spawning).

 7 MR DARCY - Pride and Prejudice by Jane 'zzz' Austen

As much as it pains me to add this guy, it has to be done.  It's like having a People's Sexist Men list without Johnny Depp or Clooney.  The masses would revolt in anger, the world as we know it would cease to exist, humanity in general would be at risk.  So here he is.  The handsome, moody, emotionally barren, upper class hero from Jane Austen's novel (and her only novel that should be read for the rest should be drowned in an abyss of nothingness).  Perhaps Darcy wouldn't be so popular if we hadn't been exposed to one of cinema's most jizz-worthy scenes ever put to celluloid - I'm looking at you Mr Colin Firth.  Call me.

6 Aladdin - One Thousand and One Nights (Arabian Nights)

 The guy has a genie and is shirtless the entire time. Come on. And he wears Harem pants.  Come on!  Plus am I only one who found the cartoon version rather enticing?  It's the thick eyebrows and chiselled jaw.  Don't judge me.  But please judge the picture, I'm rather disturbed at what one can find on google images these days...

I can't stop looking at it for the pure reason that someone actually took time to PAINT IT.  I repeat, use PAINTS.  You can also view more homoerotic versions of other Disney men posing like David Beckham, here, if cartoon shagging floats your boat. 

 5 Heathcliff - Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

The ultimate mis-understood bad boy and most mentally unhinged guy on our list (yes even compared to vampires and soul sellers).  The mis-understanding is not about the darky, moody, ethnically vague Heathcliff but the legions of 'fans' and adorers who believe he is the romantic ideal due to his unquestionable love for Cathy.  Unquestionable yes.   After Cathy  disses Heathcliff for her more ideal, less unhinged neighbour, Edgar, Heathcliff makes it his mission to take extreme vengence upon her life, Edgars life and even their kids life.  And he succeeds.  He becomes the embodiment of the Byronic hero: idealised but flawed, arrogant but at constant war with his inner self and most importantly sexually dominent and seductive.  But remember he's still crazy.

 4 Tom Sawyer/Huckleberry Finn The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

I must admit I have never read this book yet Ginga insists that she was completely smitten with Sawyer when she was younger so I feel it must be added to the list (particularly as she probably doesn't agree with most of the other shags-to-be's here).  According to the losers/friends (delete where appropriate) at Wikipedia, Tom Sawyer is 'imaginative and mischievous', which in dating ad could read, ' good sense of humour with a childlike zest for life'.  Whilst poor Huck Finn is the son of the town drunk and prone to warts.  Perhaps the appeal lies in the outdoorsy way of life of both characters?  "Strong athleticism, taste for adventures and both look awesome in overalls and straw hats".  Personally I feel that Ginga may have never been purely loved as a child and thus forced to find refuge in the first book that featured a ginga on the cover.

2 Lestat de Lioncourt - Interview With the Vampire by Anne Rice

Before some stay-at-home Mormon 'mom' took our poor world hostage with a book rife with 'abstane from sex or die' attitude amidst agonising teenage angst and sparkling vampires, we had Anne Rice and her Vampire saga.  Lestat is the embodiment of what Lord Byron started but never finished, the smart, sexy, aristocratic vampire who seduces everyone and anything (including even God and the Devil in one book). Lestat is like the Louis XIV of the Vampiric Empire, he is glamorous, arrogant and with no sense of morality, he is followed by legions of fans and literally mad, bad and dangerous to know.  He even becomes a rock star, dons leather pants and even made Tom Cruise look sexy in the film version.  Well as sexy as one can next to Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt almost getting it on.  Rrrggghh...

1 Dorian Gray - The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

 "You became to me the visible incarnation of that unseen ideal whose memory haunts us artists like an exquisite dream"  So go Oscar Wilde's beautiful prose from his only novel.  Dorian Gray, the devastingly beautiful anti-hero with a tortured soul (literally) who is so mesmerised with his own beauty that it becomes the reason for his very downfall.  It would be blasphemous to not make him our numero uno guapo.  I mean honestly, his beauty is so great that people are willing to be KILLED just to be in his presence.  So though, it may be the last shag you ever have, it will most likely be your greatest.  Dorian, we salute you as the literary character we'd most like to shag.  Baby your sex is indeed on fire. Llamer me!