A Sonnet for All the Men I've Loved Before

To all the men I've loved before

Why did you leave me?

We were happy, delightful and so full of zest

You were drinking cognac

I was spilling it on my jeans

Together we were divine

You were getting high

I was swatting flies

Together we were invincible

You were sneaking a naughty smoke

I was leering a dirty look

Together we made art

Together we were someone, something and somewhere magnificent

Alone I am lost, alone and not at all bitter

Alone you are not, because that bitch of a wench you left me for still exists.

So again I cry

To all the men I've loved before

Where did you go?

South East Asia apparently.

Fuckers.

Fin.

Happy Fucking Christmas

In the spirit of Christmas, this post will be quick, to the point and full of tinsel.

'Tis the time to be festive and 'tis the time where repelling is at its highest.  In fact Minga got stood up the other day...by a girl...at the carpark of a dodgy backpackers, alone with her thoughts, in the rain, attempting to light up with some godforesaken matches that did not embrace the windy and horrid weather that came about.

So let it be that this festive season, we at Sandwich would like to do a Kanye West.  We would like to blame everyone else in the Universe for being fucking cruel, for being fucking muppets and for not embracing our magnificence as they should.  It's your fault Universe.  Fuck you. 

Merry Christmas to all you other fuckers who have too been fucked mercilessly by the big, bad, world.

Haiku for The Social Network

Haiku for The Social Network

Film is all about

Hot geeks and Jew fros making rich

And grand repelling

Sandwich

Pubs de pédé

One of the things that would strike many a foreigner about France is how homo advertising is here. So much of it would NEVER work in any English-speaking country that I know of (outside a gay ghetto). By the way, nothing in this post applies to you, Minga.

For example, I don't think that a red-blooded English speaker (male or female) would ever be driven into a consumerist frenzy by...

... this ad, one of many for the (admittedly awesome) Autumn 2010 collection of French clothing brand, A.P.C.:

... or by this ad for Galéries Lafayette, a French department store, featuring Frédéric Beigbeder (who, for all intents and purposes, actually is heterosexual):

... or by this ad for football betting:

Apparently, the Bloodhound Gang got it right:

We Love You Peter Jackson - Now Hire Us

After working in the film industry, both Minga and Ginga know what its like to be the lowest of the low, to be tramped on, to be unpaid, to be punched in the face and laughed and pointed at whilst the 1st camera assistant bitches about his cold Burger King.  It's not exactly a humane industry. 

So what's the beef with some wannabe-union (I stress 'wannabe') trying to take on 'The Hobbit'?  Nothing is fair in film but when there is the chance of actual work, with aforementioned hero, Jackson, we got excited.  We've worked with less impressive people for free and lost all our dignity, so let us at least work for crap pay for a man we actually like.  Stop the madness. 

Whatever your take, you must agree on the fabulously awesome brown cardie ensemble that PJ wore during this interview:

   video here

Like I said.  Hero.

If you liked that, check out Dangerous Gladys' new costume blog:  It's all about tweeds, three piece suits and beautiful men dressed beautifully talking about how beautiful they are:  www.costumesdontsleep.com

Repel of the Week: Short 'n Sweet

Ext. University Grounds, Auckland - Day

GIRL nervously waits for the one lone BOY in her 'Existentialism: Why Bother?' class to come out.  His blond curls sparkle lovingly as the harsh Antarctic wind tussle it in delight.  She sighs.

GIRL: What are you up to now?  I was gonna go get a coffee if you wanna come?

BOY: Fuck off.*

Fin.

* Technically what came out was "No thanks, I'm going to go meet my girlfriend" which is the universal code for "No I do not want you, be gone you hideous beast and stop soiling my soul with your wretchedness."

Supreme Sandwich Winner

We had another fabulous list to woo you all with today but alas Minga was forced to do actual work and subsequently lost her faith in anything and is on the verge of projectile vomiting if she has to stare at a computer screen for much longer.

Hence we'll keep it short.  After a whooping 11 votes (wooooo!) we have our Supreme Winner of the Annual Sandwich Choice Awards 2010.

We wrote to his Supreme Sandwichness R-Patz to congratulate him and give him his award - a homemade promise ring with the initials SSS (Sandwich Sex Slave) and a voucher to Minga's favourite lasor hair removal place (with Sally, she's legendary).  Alas we only got a hold of his UK manager who in true Brit fashion told us: "That's not my job" and continued to instead babble on about the weather whilst queuing for a sandwich and beer at the local. 

The Legendary Brigitte Fontaine

Yesterday was a special day. Some would consider it to have been the first day of my old age.

What better way to usher in my twilight decades than to pay tribute to Brigitte Fontaine. She is virtually unknown in the English-speaking world, and not even particularly well known in the French-speaking world. This is a great tragedy. She's a true artist. Minga would love and want to be her.

I want to share a little Brigitte with you: 'Prohibition', a song written by her hubby, Areski, and that you'll find the clip for here.

The lyrics are basically impossible to translate, but here's my attempt:

The card that proved my many years

Reduced the bastards all to tears

Each one of them of a haughty sod

Regaling at my kick-ass bod

[CHORUS:]

This old girl says suck her cock

So little time left on her clock

So cute with her dragonfly

She'll be forgot and then she'll die

Just move along, you creepy twat

The buffet-wagon's where it's at

I'll go and smoke a fag or two

All nice and quiet in the loo

There's prohibition everywhere

There's trash and fags and pockets bare

They're boozing up now on TV

And ageing there for all to see

There's prohibition everywhere

You wonder why they even care

Though they talk, write and fornicate

No jizz for you, you're sixty, mate

[CHORUS]

If you're infirmed, you gotta go

Unless of course you've got the dough

You'll just be tossed into a ditch

Compassion's only for the rich

Guess what they've got in stall for me

A home in perpetuity

Never to see the light of day

If ever I should lose my way

Let me tell you what I've planned

How I will find my promised land

It's sex and drugs and rock and roll

There's nothing better for the soul

This old girl says suck her cock

No law, no faith, no fluffy flock

Her dragonfly awaits a kiss

Her cause of death will be her bliss.

Je suis vieille, et je vous... embrasse...

Como tú sabes amar…

Here at Sandwich, we like to think of ourselves as citizens of the world. Quite frankly, I like to think of myself as the most diverse of all of us, as a cousin to all the world’s homos, Czechs, French, Polynesians and Spanish.

Recently, I’ve been enjoying connecting to my Spanish (or rather Hispanic) heritage. In particular, I must thank a dear friend from Ecuador who introduced me to the wonder that is Sharon la Hechicera, or Sharon the Enchantress. For your information, no, she is my cousin because she is Hispanic, not because she is a mujer con sorpresa. Sharon, I'm a better maricón for knowing you.

"Don't [Let Me Repel You]"

It's been some time since I contributed to this blog, which I was blackmailed into contributing to. Time to end my participation paucity for a more positive reason.

I doubt that it will come as any surprise to you that I LOVE the Pointer Sisters. I remember when they released the single 'Don't Walk Away'. It wasn't having the runaway chart success that some DJ felt they richly deserved, and he made this known.

Reflecting not so long ago (and for God knows what reason) on that particular moment in the early 1990s, I made a promise to myself: upon learning that Sandwich had received more hits than the (non-live version of the) 'Don't Walk Away' video on-line, I would commemorate the moment (of bittersweet triumph) with a Pointer Sisters-related post.

So here it is. 'Don't Walk Away'. Enjoy: