Letter to Robert Pattinson

Dearest R-Pattz,

Man with the magnificent Mane

And fabulous half-Chinga eyes

Please explain to me the ending of your film
'Remember Me'

Because it was so intensely random

That my head exploded

And that wasn't pretty

Unlike your beautiful concave face

In fact, I think you owe everyone in the theatre

An explanation

Dinner

A sponge bath

And a packet of fags.

Because I'm out.

Get me though?
Respect.

Love and mono-brows for life,

Minga

Sandwich Enemy of the Month: Netanyahu

NAME:  Benjamin Netanyahu and the entire Israeli Government

NATIONALITY:  Inhumane.

OCCUPATION:  Prime Minister and general badass who hates all of humanity.

CATEGORIES OF OFFENCE:  Where does one begin?  Let's just stick to the most recent: continuing building of ILLEGAL settlements, occupying and oppressing whole people's, warden of the biggest open air prison in the world, and  feeding fluffy kittens to ferocious pitbulls.

THREAT LEVEL:  Dude, when even your biggest ally,  the US, says you're a cunt, YOU'RE A CUNT!

IF YOU SEE THIS ENEMY:  Slap him with a HAM pizza and alert Minga's cousins.  However, do not confuse with said governments really fit soldier boys.  On that occasion, just alert Minga.

Repel of the Week: Self Repel

Ext. Auckland City - Day

Minga, a dashingly gorgeous woman, of a particular minority diaspora, with an unfortunate limp, walks to the bus stop.

She looks down to her Ipod to blast more ADAM LAMBERT (you heard right, judge me not, eyeliner ridden Jewish homos get me hot) and lo and behold she sees a massive block of chocolate stuck to her shirt.

It's like fudge trampled in by some hefer. It sticks to her t-shirt. She ponders, thinking that she got this shirt out of her drawer. How did chocolate get in there? Are there sugar high fairies that come at night and take cruel vengeance upon mortals for their own sadistic delight? Is Minga suffering from some sort of unknown amnesia in that she spent the whole of last night stuffing her face with chocolate and stuck a little to her shirt to save for breakfast?  Did that bitch Gladys get high on crack again and raid her drawers for kicks?

Minga is rather startled and like a true hobo grabs a water bottle and in the middle of the street begins pouring it over the culprit. Then she goes to Uni with a wet-shirt but even then can't get any action. Sitting alone once again, with her backpack and solitary thoughts, she thinks:

SO NOW I AM REPELLING MY OWN CLOTHES. 

 [regarding above pic of Lambert and boyfriend...I have no words...but if Burt Reynolds and Ryan Phillippe had a love-child...]

Letter to Ginga and Enemy of the Month

Dearest Ginga,

Though we are seperated by a great vast treacherous 'ocean' known as Cooks Strait and because you are currently undergoing a severe mental breakdown,  I felt it necessary to send you a love letter of hope.  

For those of you who are unaware, our poorest Ginga has been spending the last few months sadly attempting to deal with horrendous British families who are re-locating to the netherworlds of Mordor (Christchurch, New Zealand if we're being exact).  

Trust us, these are not the really fit Christmas sock wearing Brits whom one gropes 'accidentally' on the Tube, but they are soul-less xenophobic degenerates who probably voted for BNP because 'those damn Paki immigrants caused the recession' (even though they've never worked a day in their life and milk the benefit to the point of lactose intolerance).

I bring good news though my dearest Ginge.  For all those hideous Imperialists that you are bringing here, them Brits are getting payback.  In the form of this Aussie wench who has made plans to emigrate to the UK:

That's right, payback's a bitch and her name is Pauline Hanson - a sad excuse for a human being (and Gingas everywhere), who was the former leader of the One Nation political party in Australia.  Perhaps we should let Interpol know and like Fox News, make her our Enemy of the Month?  In fact let's make one now.

SANDWICH ENEMY OF THE MONTH

NAME:  Pauline "no relation to 90's brother boyband" Hanson

NATIONALITY:  Australian sub-species (just below the Platypus and above the Blue Bottle Fly)

OCCUPATION:  Former leader of One Nation political party (read: fascist)

CATEGORIES OF OFFENCE:  Atrocious haircut, convicted of fraud and xenophobia (though she did not know its meaning) "I and most Australians want our immigration policy radically reviewed and that of multiculturalism abolished. I believe we are in danger of being swamped by Asians."

THREAT LEVEL:  Medium if you're ethnic, Extremely High if you're Aboriginal.

IF YOU SEE THIS ENEMY:  Punch her in the face.

Good luck Britain,

Much Love,

Minga

*If you want a real enemy of the week, check out Interpol's  Red List ( includes lots of Minga's distant cousins...)

Repel of the Week: 80's Dating

As we're all currently extremely busy campaigning for legislation that will bring back forceful sterilising on people who are legally deemed too dumb to breed, we do not have a fantastic repel of the week for our dedicated readers.  Instead please enjoy this gem from the 1980's which truly speaks for itself:

Oscars 2010

The blatantly self-absorbed shameful debaucle* that is the Academy Awards will be rearing its ugly head once again this March.  Now with the exception of District 9, anyone else think the majority of the Best Picture nominees  are somewhat sounding more like porn titles?  Or is it just us (in particular Minga who has obviously had her share of porn to last one a lifetime)?  Well, like Step Up 2 (which clearly should have been nominated) let's take it to the streets:

An Education

Sandwich Verdict:  Paedophilia. 

Actual plot:  An older man gets it on with a 16 year old school girl in 1960's London.

The Hurt Locker

Sandwich Verdict:  Sadism 

Actual plot:  War in Iraq.

Inglorius Basterds

Sandwich Verdict:  Unsatisfactory masturbation

Actual plot:  Nazi hunters and Jewish vengeance amidst a re-envisioning of WWII.

Up

Sandwich verdict:  Elderly porn with Viagra.

Actual plot:  Animation about some old guy going on an adventure with his house.

Up in the Air

Sandwich Verdict:  Mile High club

Actual:  Clooney flying around the US firing people.  Unfortunately there's only one sex scene and it occurs on the ground with no naked Clooney.  Blasphemous.

Precious:  Based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire

Sandwich:  Self explanatory really.

Actual: Tag line reads: "Life is hard. Life is short. Life is painful. Life is rich. Life is....Precious."

Avatar

Sandwich:  Sex with aliens.

Actual Plot:  Human takes on an avatar  form and has sex with alien.

A Serious Man

Sandwich:  Homo's who mean business.

Actual:  Jewish infidelity.

The Blind Side

Sandwich:  Really?

Actual: American football..zzzzz

*This was the day the Oscars died.  Gwyneth, we're looking at you.

Something Serious - Feb 11th 2010

 Ok we're going to post something serious here at Sandwich - well serious enough for a blog that dares to put Hitler, a camp Frenchman and World of Warcraft on the same page and call it vaguely amusing.  

We're answering the call from Amnesty International to stand in solidarity with the protesters in Iran this coming February 11th which marks the 'Victory' of Revolution Day - the day to remember the 1979 revolution when the masses revolted against a dictator monarch and finally sent him into exile believing their freedom had finally come yet instead they were fooled and an even greater evil took power under dark turbans, extreme oppression and called it religious justification.  

Minga believes it's similar to that of Alien vs Predator mantra, "Whoever wins.  We lose".  Obviously the ‘Queen’ alien is the monarch and the predator with the hideously offensive beard and squinty eyes?  

So on this important day, many protests (similar to those after the post-election dispute in 2009) are to take place, with thousands ready to march against this fascist government, and the government hacks ready to arrest and execute more innocents.  More than likely the people will once again use the internet to spread their words and pictures hence Amnesty's appeal.  Stand with the people fighting for a better future, help spread the word and keep the matter in the headlines.

Plus remember, Minga is from them parts, and you don’t want to make her angry.  Her people have a lot of rage, are experts in hostage taking and now have uranium. 

Shameless Plug: Catatonic

                                                                      He's late, He's late...

 

Sandwich promotes upcoming artist Ben Davies and his magnificent artwork on Catatonic...enjoy....particularly if you're a feline fan and have a saucy sense of humour like us.

                                                      

 

Mondrian's Cat

 

Surrealist Cat

Yo Blair!

As you may or may not be aware, Mr Tony Blair, former British Prime Minister and former George W BFF, will face the Iraq Inquiry tonight and answer questions about the decision to go to war in Iraq back in 2003.   He will face a panel and a ballot-winning audience, including family members of Britons killed in Iraq during the war.  We're hoping there will also be some shoe throwers and purple condom missiles too.  Talk about awkward. 

Of course, Sandwich here, will bring you an exclusive meet and greet with Mr Blair, where we will discuss politics, war with the Bearded One, butch wives and why the most famous bromance in the world ended.  Until then, enjoy this:

The Proust Questionaire: Adolf Hitler

French writer Marcel Proust popularised personality questionaires in the 19th Century and now they're all the rage, from that goober Lipton in the Actor's Studio, to the back pages of Vanity Fair.  Here at Sandwich, we've taken it to the next level and asked Monsieur Hitler to take the plunge into his inner self...

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Playing with my dog Blondi, invading countries, killing innocents and singing songs from Cabaret when no one’s watching.  I adore Liza. 

What is your greatest fear?
Invalids, homos, Commies, Gypsies and Jews. 

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
 Being too generous.  And having syphilis. 

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Being too invalid, homo, Commie, gypsy and Jewish. 

Which living person do you most admire?
Goebbels – sex on a stick. 

What is your greatest extravagance?
1936 Olympic Games and La Mer beauty products for my skin – smooth like an (Aryan, Protestant, German) babies bottom! 

What is your current state of mind?
Passive aggressive. 

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Dedication, loyalty, soft hands and dreamy eyes, i.e. Goebbels. 

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Suicidal. 

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Heil Myself. 

When and where were you happiest?
When I kicked Bonaparte’s arse by winning World’s Next Top Dictator.  I’m so humbled. 

Who are your favorite writers?
The Passing of the Great Race by Madison Grant and Paradise Lost by Milton.  I am also an avid fan of The Twilight Saga – Team Jacob forever! 

Which talent would you most like to have?
Does fascism count as a talent?  Because I could win gold medals in that one – right Napoleon? 

                                                   [With Goebbels in happier times]

 Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Dr Faustus. 

Who are your heroes in real life?
Goebbels.  BFF’s for life.  A real life Ennis and Jake… 

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Invading Poland and growing this spectacular ‘tache! 

Where would you like to live?
Deutschland, of course.  And possibly Vichy in the South of France – I’ve heard the women there are easy. 

What is your most treasured possession?
My framed Time cover Man of the Year (suck on it Bonaparte) and my signed corset taken from Liza Minneli’s dressing room.  I like to wear it when hoovering.  (Vacuuming) 

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Being rejected from art school – TWICE.  That was very emotionally scarring, especially for such a fragile artist like me. 

What do you most value in your friends?
Friends are stupid and take things too personally when you break supposed non-aggression pacts.  Stalin, I’m looking at you, you big Nancy. 

What are your favorite names?
Hans, Joseph and Goebbels. 

What is it that you most dislike?
Cruelty to animals.  We should all applaud organizations like PETA. 

What is your greatest regret?
Going to the premiere of Schindler’s List – God that was awkward.  

How would you like to die?
I feel the word ‘like’ should be omitted from this question. 

What is your motto?
Ich leibe dich, Goebbels.*

Signed: 


*We are, of course, not condemning our poor homos by suggesting that one of the most ‘evil’ men in history swung their way.  But this guy is.

 If you'd like to bestow your own greatness upon the Proust Questionaire universe, present your own answers here.